Though often neglected, your pecs are responsible for just about everything: lifting, swinging, pushing, climbing. Strengthen them, and everything else will follow. So check out these pec-strenghtening exercises that will create an indestructible steel fortress of power, but still won’t prepare you for when you’re lying down in the comfort of your own home, and your cat casually walks across your titties. Let’s get started!
The Classic Push-up
This body weight exercise is a classic for a reason, testing your deltoids, triceps, wrist tendonitis, and, of course, your pectorals. Starting in plank position, with your hands in a slightly wider grip, lower your body toward the ground as you inhale, and exhale as you push yourself back up. Keep at it and you’ll have the upper body strength of a champion in no time. However,, one paw on your ta-tas will still detach your soul from your corporeal form, and it will be replaced with the soul of all the dads who had their nuts crunched on Bob Saget’s America’s Funniest Home Videos. So it goes!
Incline Push-up
If the classic push-up isn’t feasible for you, don’t worry! Just head to your nearest table, countertop, desk, back of couch, etc., plant your feet as far back as you feel comfortable, and push up like you normally would. This modification of the classic actually has the added benefit of working the lower pectorals, so let it be its own thing! Of course, all that added muscle support from below still won’t keep a laser beam of pain from shooting out your belly button when your cat stamps your nipple like a notary public.
The Chest Press
This is a great way to introduce yourself to the free weights section of your gym if you’ve otherwise been queen of the cardio corner. Starting with your arms extended, lower your weights toward your chest, and press back up. And that’s it! Remember to keep your hands dry because letting a weight slip during this exercise is exactly what it feels like for your cat to use your boobies as their personal escalator to JCPenney. And you will not be ready. You will never be ready. Never.
Chest Dips
It’s an upper body party, and everyone’s invited! We’re talking delts, tris, bis, traps, pecs (major and minor!), this exercise works it all. Grab hold of your parallel surfaces, starting with your arms extended. Lower your body until your triceps are level, then lift your body, extending your arms back to starting position. Tuck your knees if you have to. Do these regularly, and you’ll be rock hard from the ribs up, except for your delicate milk ducts that will be crushed beneath your feline friend who treats your titties like a summer game show obstacle course as you scream, “Happy Birthday, Pope Francis!” in pain.
So there you have it! And remember: Do whatever you want with your pectorals- bulk them, bounce them, tat ‘em – it still will not keep your sternum from collapsing in on itself like a dying star as your rude-ass cat walks across your titties.
