4 Christmas Dresses That Say, ‘I’ve Never Had a Dick in My Mouth’

This elegant red dress features ruched fabric and a jeweled broach—fashionable details that are sure to secure your reputation as a polished and proper lady. With this knee-length number, you’ll never reveal your true identity: a cock-crazed monster who demanded your high school boyfriend let you give road-head in his Nissan. You’ve been gobbling dicks for years, but with this dress, Grandma will think the only thing you’ve ever gobbled is a Christmas ham.