Got plans for Memorial Day? Your crush Josh maybe does! The other night Josh mentioned he “might” spend the day off work “at a friend of a friend’s barbecue in Brooklyn, just for a beer or two.” Um, hellloooo—talk about a not-so-subtle invite to join! Josh plays it coy—so coy, in fact, that he didn’t specify who’s hosting or even the neighborhood. But don’t worry! You’ve scoured Facebook invites to assemble this helpful list of events across the borough where maybe Josh could potentially make a quick appearance! You’re welcome. Here are the 34 Memorial Day Facebook events happening across Brooklyn you’ve GOT to crash just in case Josh is there!
1. Adulting So Hard: 2016 Summer Kickoff Party!
This event looks like it’ll be a group of late 20-somethings gathering in a backyard to drink beers and cook burgers. Even a handful of Josh’s friends are going. But that seems too easy, right? Better swing by the other 33 events listed here, just to make sure all your bases are covered.
2. Day Drinking at Dan’s—Be There & Be Drunk!
Fun! Sure, none of your friends are attending this event (nor any of the next 32 events), but Dan sure seems like a fun guy to throw back some brews with!
3. LET’S EAT MEAT, BABY!!!
Is this a very gay thing or a very straight thing? Show up and find out!
4. Becca’s Turning 19 (But That’s Not What Her Fake ID Says hahaha)
Can your love withstand Josh’s attendance at this 19-year-old’s birthday party at Brooklyn Bowl? What if Josh is dating this 19-year-old? Fuck!
5. Group Hang @ McCarren
This will be great! You’ll see Josh and he’ll say, “I’m so glad we ran into each other! Happy Memorial Day!”
6. Kristin’s Mem Day BASH
Our only advice: be prepared to fight this “Kristin” bitch.
7. Uncle Ron’s 60th Birthday Celebration
Josh’s Facebook implies he’s from Texas and his whole family lives there. But let’s think about this rationally: Josh has never said that he doesn’t have an Uncle Ron that lives in Sunset Park! Check out this “intimate family gathering—please no extra guests” on 55th Street, and you just might find yourself saying, “OMG, Josh—you know Uncle Ron too??”
8. Laura’s Saying TTYL, BK!
Absolutely swing by this stranger’s going away party she’s throwing for her closest friends. Just make sure you bring a gift—a bottle of wine or some nice kitchenware will do just fine.
9. Chelsea’s Officially A Hipster!!! Williamsburg Housewarming
We can’t believe Chelsea moved to Brooklyn, either.
10. Paul and Meredith’s Engagement Party
Would be very classy to see Josh here. Again, this one requires a gift.
11. Hoffman Family 7th Annual Aunt Nan Remembrance Luncheon
Poor Aunt Nan. The Facebook event does not specify exactly what happened to her, but it seems…bad. Maybe you’ll discover Josh handles grief like a total pro!
12. YAAAASSSSS MEMORIAL DAY YAAAAAASSSS
The event description just says, “POPPERS.” Sounds fun!
13. Annual Windsor Terrace Rummage Sale Walkabout
Okay, so this one isn’t technically a barbecue. But Josh just might be at this old-school Brooklyn neighborhood’s annual rummage sale, walking from stoop to stoop, buying 90s movies on VHS. That’d be so Josh! Actually, you don’t really know much about him, but wouldn’t that be so cute if that were so Josh?
14. Steampunk Crawfish Boil
Just imagine: you and Josh are standing over the table of boiled crawfish. Then, like magic, you both reach for the same crustacean. Your hands linger. You lock eyes. You’re both in full neo-Victorian fantasy garb. Talk about a meet cute!!!
15. 12th Annual Cobble Hill Kids Parade
There’s a solid chance that Josh hopped on the G train to watch babies wave American flags and fantasize about having a family of his own. Because who needs to get drunk with the guys when you can think about commitment and family and the future? Not your perfect crush Josh, that’s for sure. Better stop by this kids parade.
16. Ben’s Barbecue
The magic phrase to get you laid in any bar: “So how do you know Ben?”
17. Ben is having a barbecue
Another Ben… sounds like someone Josh would know!
18. Fort Greene Technical High School’s Battle of the Bands
So apparently there’s an indie concert happening at Fort Greene Technical High School on Memorial Day. Sure, they’re teens, but it would be unwise to rule this one out. Josh just might be spending the day sipping on suds and watching teens cover Blink 182!
19. Libby’s 1st Birthday Party!
Babies, you, Josh, and a gaggle of overstressed young Park Slope parents trying desperately to have a beer with their buddies. Are your ovaries aching yet?
20. Ben’s BBQ
Why the hell are all these Bens having barbecues?
21. Bensonhurst Memorial Day Parade (Remembering Sgt. Mark DiMartino)
“Honestly R.I.P. Sgt. DiMartino—so sad—but has anyone here seen Josh? He’s very cute and went to Georgetown and I’m pretty sure calls his mom every Sunday. Ringing any bells?”
22. Grace Church of Christ Annual Blood Drive
Probably wanna see what’s going on here regardless of Josh’s potential presence.
23. Day Off Work?? MARGARITAS PLZ!!!
This event appears to be a group of class of 2016 NYU grads. It’s unclear whether they have jobs, but one thing is for sure: if Josh is spending Memorial Day with a group of tequila drunk 22 year old girls, you had better get there ASAP to steal him away!
24. Devin’s Memorial Day Ragerrrrrr
Everyone who has said they’re “attending” is kind of busted, but don’t sleep on this BBQ!
25. Frannie Dominguez’s Quincenera in Prospect Park!!!!
This sounds fun as hell. Even if Josh isn’t there, you should stay for a few drinks and celebrate this 15-year-old girl’s entrance into womanhood.
26. BK Running Club’s Memorial Day 5k
Keep it cute and breezy by popping out of the woods and into the race with Josh!
27. Bedford-Stuyvesant Community Board Meeting
Don’t show up to this public library without three talking points on potholes in the neighborhood!
28. Ben’s Bar-Be-Cue
Actually, this Ben’s barbecue seems fine. Sorry to the other Bens’ barbecues.
29. Smorgasburg Presents: Standing In Line For 3 Hours To Say You Did It!
Hey, you do this practically every Saturday anyway, but imagine not going the one time Josh goes?
30. MEMORIAL DAY: Holy Trinity Church Office CLOSED
This seems to be more of a general PSA that a church administrator made as a Facebook event on accident. But still, be sure to swing by this East New York church to see if it’s open! If it is, Josh might be there, sipping on Brooklyn Summer.
31. Annual Block Party—7th Street btwn PPW and 8th Avenue
“Oh my God, Josh? What’re you doing in this bouncy house? So funny running into you!”
32. Uncle Barney’s Parole ***SURPRISE*** Party
Whatever you do, do not let word of this party slip to Uncle Barney.
33. St. Christopher’s Parish Remembrance Mass (Hosted By Knights of Columbus)
“More like Knights of Cunnilingus! Right Josh?”
34. Unveiling Of The Bay Ridge Community Mural
Call it a hunch, a premonition, a cosmic inkling—whatever. But Bay Ridge Community Mural’s official ribbon-cutting ceremony is the winner. When Josh said he was spending the holiday at “a friend of a friend’s,” Josh might have meant “this group of teenage artists I volunteer with,” and “have a beer or two” was just a thinly-veiled “there’s a reception with crackers and Gatorade if you want to come down and see that I make the world a more beautiful place in my spare time.” So coy—see you there, Josh!
There you have it: The definite guide to the mid-sized gatherings happening across Brooklyn this Memorial Day. Josh could be at any one of these, so make sure you’re continuously on the go until you find his cute little butt.