It’s a tale as old as bedtime: It’s first thing in the morning, or perhaps the middle of the night, and you’re blindingly horny but your partner couldn’t seem to care less as they are fast asleep. It’s your right to gently awake your S.O. to see if they’re interested in sexy time, but if you don’t have the handy tool of a boner to poke with, how are you supposed to get the message across? That’s why we found three other hard objects to poke at your sleeping lover and initiate sex, even if you don’t have an erect penis lying around.
PEZ dispenser
These charming candy dispensers make great knickknacks and great stand-ins for a hard peen when you want to hornily poke your partner so they’ll wake up and fuck you already. First poke them awake, then hold up the dispenser and make Donald Duck say, “Want to have sex?” Regardless of their answer, you should give them a sweet and tangy little candy after this awakening.
Baseball bat
Pay homage to a classic movie trope by sleeping with a baseball bat by your bed! But instead of walking down the stairs, wielding it sheepishly against potential intruders, you can poke your partner with the handle. Soon they’ll reluctantly open their eyes and say the sexiest words in the English language: “What the hell is that? Did you bring a baseball bat to bed with you?” No erection necessary!
A Chilean rainstick
The rainstick is an instrument native to myriad regions, however you can’t go wrong with Chilean. This percussive instrument contains pebbles, rice, or beans in addition to helically arranged pins such that a rain sound is created while its contents move through its long tubular body. This device is also perfect to nudge your partner into waking life, where you are waiting, all horned up and ready to go to the dulcet sounds of gentle rain. We’d like to see a dick do all that!
Poking someone in the ass with a boner might be a classic way of waking a sleeping lover while also indicating interest in sex, but it sure isn’t the only way. Use these hard objects instead, but remember, if your partner wants to keep sleeping or otherwise isn’t in the mood, that’s the end of the conversation, so no complaining, “What am I supposed to do with this Chilean rainstick?” That’s old hat!
