If there’s anything you know for sure, it’s two things: Candles are an amazing and easy way to enhance any room, and your friend Rachel is full of shit. A fun, fresh scent will distract even your most discerning friends from Rachel’s pathological lies. Try these ten scented candles the next time you need to cover up the smell of her fuckery.
1. Country Orchard
During the next dinner party Rachel crashes, dig this ourtdoorsy apple pie candle out from under your sink. As she swears her silicone boobs are real and invites everybody at the party to grope them, this light, airy aroma will distract guests from her clear lack of personal boundaries. As strangers squeeze her handcrafted nipples, Country Orchard will transport them back to a carefree, “anything goes” summer’s day, bereft of Rachel’s bullshit.
2. Island Volcano
A bestseller at Anthropologie (a store where, let’s be real, all you can really afford are candles) Island Volcano is a fitting overpriced luxury item to feature at your next backyard barbecue. When Rachel finally passes out after combining a pitcher of mojitos with a half tab of Klonopin and loudly listing all her ex’s dick sizes in order, your other guests will be swayed by this classy, unique scent into thinking this is a one-time thing and she’s not constantly full of shit.
3. Our Lady of Guadalupe White Candle
If Rachel’s on her way, it’s important to start praying to a higher power early in the evening before she arrives and ruins everything. Her flailing arms and commitment to gesticulating, even when she’s just asking to use the bathroom, have already destroyed an entire set of your red wine glasses. If the good lady works in your favor, Rachel might fall asleep and completely miss your low-key girls night. If not, this candle will totally mask the scent of Rachel’s bullshit.
4. Banana Nut Bread
Rachel only eats bottles of white wine and saltines. When you’re out to lunch or breakfast with her, come prepared with this delicious treat in your purse. She’ll feel included in the meal when you light up this waxy loaf of banana nut bread. For Rachel, smelling a candle is like a Thanksgiving meal. For you, it will be a welcome reprieve from Rachel’s bullshit.
5. Aqua Ocean Tide and Sea Salt
During another rousing game of Never Have I Ever, typical Rachel led with “Never have I ever drowned—well, just this one time.” Light this candle to help smooth over everybody’s apparent confusion, and to keep anyone was pressing her for more details. It will also neutralize the odor of Rachel’s bullshit.
6. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Lure Rachel away from your house on nights when she smokes an entire ounce of weed in one sitting. Light this mouthwatering cookie dough candle in a gas station bathroom at least three miles away. When Rachel emerges from hot boxing your guest room, she will organically sniff out this fresh baked scent. Instead of coming over to raid your fridge, she’ll end up raiding a truck stop, which will be filled with the smell-waves of Rachel’s bullshit.
7. Geranium Lavender
Lavender naturally cures migraine headaches. When Rachel opens her mouth and spews her hateful opinions on women who hate other women, lavender will dilute her migraine-inducing aroma of her bullshit.
8. Cashmere Woods
This tranquil scent will mask Rachel’s fabricated tale of being kidnapped and held in the woods by religious fanatics. When she muses, “My whole life flashed before my eyes” and “I could have been the next Jon Benét Ramsey,” this candle will take the edge off of her moronic lie, which is just another example of Rachel’s bullshit.
9. Haunted Eucalyptus Grove
Everybody knows Rachel is incapable of talking to the dead, except for Rachel. Haunted Eucalyptus Grove dresses up her blatant reenactments of Long Island Medium with a cool, crisp eucalyptus perfume. It effortlessly blocks the heinous stench emanating from the bullshit belonging to Rachel.
10. Any Glade Candle + Call the Police
A Glade brand candle is a household must-have when you’re friends with Rachel! Reeking of vanilla and desperation, any Glade candle will soothe your mind. When your gal Rach steals your car and crashes it into your house, or stalks ex-boyfriends with criminal intent, this candle will keep you cool until the police get to your house. They certainly won’t be able to get a whiff of Rachel’s bullshit.
Friendship requires love, acceptance, and most of all, the perfect scent to set the mood. Even your most horrible acquaintances deserve this level of hospitality.
