There comes a time in a woman’s life where she’s done exploring—she knows the men that are out there, because she’s dated them. She knows the sex that’s to be had, because she’s already had it. The clock is ticking, and it’s time to stop wishing for Mr. Right to come along and just get this show on the freaking road. Sound like you? Then here are ten candles to let everyone in your life know you’re gonna marry the next guy who dates you!
Tea Candle
In your younger days you may have placed several tea candles throughout your home to set the mood for a special night. These days, they’re just the taking up room in your linen closet and you need to do something to brighten up the place or you’ll spiral into despair. You haven’t kissed with a man without a bald spot in almost two years.
Floral Candle
A sweet floral candle says, “I’m young, I’m feminine, and I’m willing to overlook the majority of your personality so long as you demonstrate prolonged interest in me.” This candle will burn beautifully in your bedroom while you have mediocre sex for the first time with your probably-future-husband.
Three-wick Candle
Could you be any more over it? This heavy duty, clunky candle burns three times as brightly and quickly. A three-wick candle is the center of the romantic philosophy “Let’s turn on all the burners and just get this over with.”
Soy Candle
You keep reading articles about the soy candle trend, but none of the men you bring home seem all that impressed. Adam would have been impressed—but he broke up with you after you said you were too young to get married. You’ll never make that mistake again. Never.
Festive Candle
It can be tough to be alone over the holidays. Unless, of course, you have this festive candle! It smells like apple pie, which you’re obviously going to love. When you open your computer, your Google search for “Sad vs. Depressed” still fills the screen.
Homemade Candle
A gal who’s dating around and exploring her options would never think to take an eight-week long candle-making class on Sunday mornings. And yet, you’re in the advanced class. You should seriously consider freezing your eggs.
Vanilla Candle
Remember the witch from Hansel and Gretel who had a gingerbread house and freaking sugar windows in order to lure children into slavery before she ate them alive? That is the point of this candle. Maybe a man will like the smell of it so much he’ll never want to leave.
Shimmer Candle
A few months ago, you realized that all your friends married people they thought were the loves of their lives and they’re all miserable, so why not just choose someone at random at this point and give it the old college try? Of course you still believe in love, right?! Kinda.
Rustic Candle
Okay, fine, you admit that your career isn’t enough to “have it all.” This rustic candle can serve as a desperate reminder to yourself that in olden days, women only dreamt of having one or two things, so maybe you should just shut up and be grateful you’ve got a job.
Dainty Candle
A dainty candle can keep you calm in moments of stress. For example, you’re going on a date tomorrow with your coworker, Angela’s, ex-husband, but everyone is being cool about it. You’re nothing like Angela, so this should go off without a hitch. If he so much as asks you how you are, you’re gonna fucking propose to him right then and there.
Let everyone in your life know that you’ll pounce on the next guy who demonstrates any type of commitment to you by picking up any one of these candles at a locally owned knick-nack store near—oh who are you kidding? You own all of these already.
