Every gal’s got to cry sometime, and with running water masking the sound and appearance of your tears, the shower’s the perfect place to do it! But the last thing you need during your routine loofah cough-sobbing is to be distracted by the wrong shower gel. To help you find the best match for all your secret wet crying, we’ve sampled thousands of body washes and selected the ten best for every type of shower meltdown:
For Breakups: Reynold’s Morning Fruit Shower Gel
Are you crying because you got dumped? This shower gel’s smooth texture and fruity smell combined with the salt from your tears create a luxurious prosciutto and melon smell. “It felt like being an appetizer,” says our tester. “Which is exactly how Dylan treated me; as a prequel to his new girlfriend, Sarah.”
For Work Trouble: Klinger’s Natural Citrus Cleansing Gel
If your jerky boss is making your life a living hell, this uplifting lemon-scented gel will mix with your Monday morning shower tears to make it seem like you’re bathing in a cocktail of sadness. Our tester suggests washing with it on those days when you can’t have a margarita for breakfast!
For PMS: Decadent Chocolate Gel by Wazoo
This delicious-smelling gel is the absolute best shower gel for PMS-related crying, especially when you’re also crying because your life just fell apart, according to our tester. The chocolaty scent made her feel “really hungry.” She does NOT recommend drinking the gel—it smells better than it looks. [Ed note: Get better, Maria!]
An Expected Death in the Family: Shiboo Exotic Rose Wash
Maybe your grandmother passed away and the tears just aren’t coming. This rose-scented gel from Shiboo will make you feel nostalgic, like you’re having tea with an old lady. Perhaps she’s the ghost of your own dead grandmother, who you’ll never see again. Plus, you just got dumped AND fired for being drunk at work. Now, watch those tears stream!
That Dead Feeling Upon Being Single, 36 and Childless: Brim Super Clean Gel
Did it hit you that you’re almost out of time to have kids and you don’t even like a guy right now? Then this is the gel to wash it all away. The powdery smell will rub it in that while you smell like a baby, you’ll likely never have one. It’ll make you think, “What if I just adopted a dog and raised it as a human baby?”
“I’ll Never be Like You, Mom:” Tartly Super Wash
If you’re crying because you realized that you can’t ever live up to the expectations of your mother, this is the shower gel to squeeze all over your feelings of inadequacy. The apple scent will put a little pep in your step and remind you that you never wanted to be a lawyer anyway, so fuck her and her new boyfriend Dale.
Feeling Helpless About the World: Exotic Rain Liquid by Thixel
This is the best shower get to use if you’re crying about the plight of the oppressed around the world. Tears mix with the ginger-scented suds to create a scent that will remind you that there are more important things in the world than your own silly problems, and assure you that you’re a really good person for caring this much, even if everyone’s wondering if maybe you’re just finding new excuses for your near-constant weeping.
When There’s Just No Fucking Point to It All: Nature Clean Wash
This gel colorless and odorless, so you’ll have nothing to distract you, as the tears stream down your weak, naked, vulnerable body. What’s the point of anything? Our tester says isn’t one, and there’s also no point to this shower gel. Maybe you should go jump off a bridge. Let’s go do it right now. Who would even care?
Whatever it is that’s making you cry, one of these shower gels will be the perfect match for whatever type of sadness you’re experiencing this time.
