The holidays are here! It’s time to put on your motherfucking snowman vest, crank up your copy of Michael Bublé Christmas, and break out a sick-ass holiday wreath to remind everyone in your neighborhood that you’re the baddest bitch on the block. Here are some choice wreaths that say, “You don’t wanna fuck with me.”
1. A Wreath With A Big-Ass Bow
Trick out your wreath with a big-ass power bow. Get one that’s so big you can hardly see your door underneath, and so red that Janine can see it all the way from her colonial on the hill. Make Janine taste that fucking wreath.
2. A Wreath With Bells and Shit
Use the leaves as a base layer for your wreath, and then douse that bitch in bells. This wreath will be so loud you’ll get a noise complaint from Perry and Louise Bridgewater next door, because with a wreath this jingle-jangle, they’ll be too scared to say anything to your face.
3. Two Motherfucking Wreaths
Who said you can’t have more than one wreath on your front door? A little pussy like old Mrs. Hathaway, that’s who. You’ve got twice as nice a spice garden as Mrs. Hathaway, so you deserve twice the wreaths. Remind Mrs. Hathaway that her Social Security check is too small to afford a wreath by decorating your house with two motherfucking wreaths.
4. Add Some Fucking Pinecones
Your neighbors will complain about this being a “fire hazard” because you burned them with this sweet pinecone wreath. This wreath has pinecones dangling all the way around it, one for every year you’ve won the best nativity scene in the neighborhood award for that kickass manger with REAL DONKEYS that you put in the front yard. You cannot be stopped with a wreath as dope as this wreath.
With wreaths like this, who needs friends? You’ve got a fucking wreath!