When men meet me, what they usually notice first is that I’m totally smokin’ hot. I’m not bragging; it’s just how it is. I have flaxen blond hair, long thick eyelashes, and mind-bogglingly high cheekbones. I also have the kind of rack where I should probably wear one of those “Yes, They’re Real” shirts every single day. Most guys think I’m just your run-of-the-mill hot girl. But the tables turn when they find out I share a system of beliefs common to a vast majority of people in this country! That’s right, boys: I’m a Christian! Surprise! Sorry not sorry if that blows your mind but I have to be true to me, no matter the consequences. Amen.
So yes, I’m normal-hot, but I’m also hot for Jesus – but not in a sexual way. You could say I’m spiritually hot for Jesus. It’s a fine line. It’s okay, take all the time you need to let this sink in. I bet you’ve never met any of the approximately 250,000,000 other American Christian women like me out there before!
I guess most guys freak out about the Christian thing because I’m so hot and they assume I won’t have sex with them. And that’s true, I won’t. The only thing this girl gets down on her knees to do is pray! But why focus on that? It’s important to look at the whole burning bush. No, not that one. The real one. Eyes up here, Christian soldiers! Instead, when guys find out I’m a hot Christian babe, they react in one of a couple of by-now-totally-predictable ways, and I’m sick of it:
Immediately ask me to marry them. Believe me, I’m tempted! Especially if you’re a nice Christian boy. But we hardly know each other. Call me crazy, but I like to spend a good long time not having sex with a man I’m interested in before I take him home to introduce him to Jesus. Ideally he would already know Jesus, anyway. I’m just saying. Even if your intentions are honorable, stop drooling over me!
Run away. Good riddance, haters! Just remember, when you run away from me, you’re running away from the Lord. And by running away from me, you’re probably just running into the arms of one of the 250 million less attractive and less devout Christians in America today. Think about those odds. And good luck.
Try to convert me. Some people take my belief system as a challenge. They try to seduce me into abandoning my convictions for a quick detour through the Pleasures of the Fleshsville. Hear me now: No. Just because I have a sexy bod doesn’t mean I’m having sex. And anyway, it’s not even about sex. It’s about love. Any man who is in love with me also has to be in love with Jesus, and no, that doesn’t make you gay. Jesus doesn’t judge and neither do I, usually. All of this is in the Bible.
In summary, can you believe what men do when they find out I’m a burning hot Christian? I can’t. So just ease up, fellas. I’m looking for a nice Christian boy who will appreciate my beauty while not having sex with me. So are you the One? If you’re not, you can just make footprints in the sand on out of here. I firmly believe that someday my hot Christian prince will come, in every sense of the word. And for that, I’m willing to wait a long, long, long, long, long, long time.
