You Can Contour Your Hair Now, But We Won’t Tell You What That Means

Did you know you can contour your hair now? Exciting, we know. Welcome to 2015! If you’re not contouring every last inch of your body, you better start, and fast. How? We’re not telling.


Yes, we learned the trick that models and celebrities use to make their hair pop. But we’re not going to tell you how they do it, you wannabe Sephora shopper! Sure, if you contoured your hair, you would look amazing and probably get promoted and find love. But you don’t understand what “feature-flattering enhancing and highlighting” means and that’s not our problem. Here are a few reasons why hair contouring is awesome, but again, we’re not going to tell you how it’s done or even what it is.


All celebrities contour their hair.

From Selena Gomez to Sarah Jessica Parker, all the best celebs are contouring their hair these days. Why have limp locks when you could have hair that pops?! Unfortunately, it’s sort of an industry secret and frankly you won’t be contour-worthy until the trend is practically over. Just wanted to let you know that this is a trend that’s happening and it looks great on people who aren’t you!



Those sexually, emotionally and professionally fulfilled women at the next table over definitely contour their hair.

Oh, them? Their hair is contoured to the nines, and they’re absolutely slaying life right now. They wake up in the morning, contoured hair spread across their pillows, ready to kick ass. Oh, and they see you wistfully staring at them. They’re not going to tell you what it means either, so don’t bother.


If you contoured your hair, Kevin from work would make sweet, sweet love to you and give you a key to his apartment.

Kevin doesn’t know what contouring is, but he’s a guy! That’s not his job—it’s yours, you unglamorous potato sack of a woman! Mark our words, Hot Kevin would totally ask you out if you contoured your hair. And no, there aren’t any YouTube tutorials; hair contouring is far too sophisticated for YouTube.


Wow, doesn’t hair contouring sound awesome?! It really takes your look from drab to fab. Or, well, not your look, per se. Our look. Because we know what hair contouring is. And you don’t. And we won’t tell you! Sorryyyy!