Jen Kaeser and Collin Wiley’s relationship started with a foundation of mutual goals and understanding; but suddenly and without notice, Kaeser’s 27-year-old boyfriend is now identifying as a “gamer”.
“I’m sitting on the sofa and minding my own business,” explained Kaeser. “And all of a sudden he gets up and throws his controller down. That’s when he asks me, ‘How does it feel to date a gamer, baby?’”
Collin, or ‘stayg0lden12,’ had a long history of playing Wii games to relieve stress. But according to his girlfriend, Wii Tennis and Mario Kart ultimately became the gateway games to a life of identifying first and foremost as a gamer.
“It started innocently,” said Kaeser. “He moved onto Rocket League and soon after that, Fortnite. And before long, I could barely recognize him. He just wasn’t the same guy.”
Kaeser explains that in the past, she and Wiley would frequently go out to dinner or for drinks with friends.
“Nothing is the same now that he identifies as a gamer,” sighed Kaeser. “We never go out anymore, and he started asking me to call him by his screen name. He doesn’t talk to his friends from college anymore either. He’s always talking to someone he refers to as Big Man. It’s like he’s in a different world.”
If that isn’t bad enough, Wiley also now wears a headset everywhere and communicates solely via grunts and short bursts of yelling ‘dammit,’ ‘yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh,’ or ‘let’s go!’
In an attempt to understand this change in behavior, Kaeser was met with a harsh reality: “I’m just a gamer now, babe,” says Wiley.
“Joking about cartoon titties and only drinking Mountain Dew Game Fuel is part of the lifestyle. It’s part of who I am now.”
In the cruelest twist of fate, Wiley apparently isn’t even very good at Fortnite.
“He only wins, like, three percent of the time,” said Kaeser. “And I’m being really generous with that.”
But according to Wiley, he’s got ‘big things’ planned and is willing to put in the practice to get better.
“It’s not easy being a gamer,” said Wiley, extremely condescendingly. “But I know how to lock it in.”
At press time, Wiley was unable to elaborate on what “it” meant.