In a developing story out of Boston, MA, 28-year-old Jessie Leon has enjoyed the cool weather for approximately three days and is now ready to get back to normal, if you don’t mind.
Yay! That’s the spirit, Jessie!
“When the summer started to fade to fall, I was like, ‘Thank god,’” Jessie told reporters gathered at the scene. “It was so hot! Like an oven! Like a scorching, airless hell! But then it was cold for a few days, and now I can confidently say, ‘Enough.’”
Sources confirm Jessie absolutely blew through every piece of fall clothing she was excited to wear and had eaten every seasonal treat she was looking forward to by October 1st.
“The second the fall equinox happened, she was in here asking for pumpkin spiced everything,” said Fran Terrano, Jessie’s local barista. “Donuts, coffee, muffins, you name it. I had to tell her she was making up the ‘Pumpkin Spiced Sandwich.’ But now, she won’t stop saying she’s freezing and shivering dramatically.”
It took approximately 72 hours for Jessie to realize it wasn’t going to get warmer than this for the next several months and immediately start counting down the days till spring.
“Listen, I’ve had a great time here,” she said of the turning weather. “I’ve seen a lot. I’ve learned a lot about myself. And now I’m ready to get back. I’m ready to go home. I’m ready for it to be tubing season again. I can’t wait to go to the beach!”
“She does this every year,” said Jessie’s roommate, Uma Bargazi. “She can’t wait for the seasons to change, and then once they do, she realizes that season is miserable, too. She has the memory of a goldfish.”
“I do not have the memory of a goldfish,” Jessie countered. “I love variety for three, even four days! And then I’d love for it to be 75 degrees again. Is that so wrong?”
Jessie told reporters that she’s consistently worn a jacket for three days now, and if she has to do it again, she will “probably have to shoot someone.”
“I do not have the memory of a goldfish,” she continued. “Wait, what?”
At press time, a warm spell hit Boston, bringing one last 85-degree day.
“Ohhhh,” Jessie told reporters. “Yeah, I forgot I hate this, too.”
