Reporters in Birmingham, AL confirm that after years of only using a vibrator, 27-year-old Alexia Myerson has decided to engage in the whimsical practice of “masturbating analog,” which is what she calls not using a vibrator.
Woah! Yeah, go tech-free!
“This whole idea came about when I realized I’d forgotten to replace the batteries in my vibrator,” Alexia told reporters gathered outside her bedroom door. “So, there I was, already Winnie-the-Pooh-ing it. I didn’t have time to go to the store before I had to meet my friends, so I thought, ‘Why don’t I do something crazy? Why don’t I take it back to basics?’”
“In today’s digital age, it’s rare to see a young person like this really connect with their roots,” said Women and Gender Studies professor Dr. Freida Penn. “I mean, there’s nothing like masturbating analog to make you think of the women who came before you and the women who came before them!”
So true! And we’re all super comfortable with that!
“Did I only do this because I kind of gave myself no other choice and am determined to masturbate while I’m still in the mood? Yes,” Alexia continued. “What was the question?”
Sources confirm it took Alexia only about 1.5 times the normal amount of time to get there, but she got there nonetheless!
“It’s like churning your own butter,” she continued. “It’s that much more satisfying to know you did it all yourself and without any pesticides!”
Alexia insists that there is another element to masturbating analog that really drew her to the process. “As a bisexual woman myself,” she told reporters. “I like to think of this as ‘practicing for the big game.’”
Uh, sure! Yeah, for sure!
“I’ll be honest – I didn’t know you could do that,” said Dominica Hughes, a random woman reporters approached on the street to get her take on the whole self-pleasuring business. “Who would have thought that I’d learn so much in the parking lot of this Costco!”
Alexia now swears by the process as a way to “really unplug” and “go super 80s.” Reporters were quick to remind her that they definitely had vibrators in the 80s.
At press time, Alexia announced that she was going to be going on a technology-free weekend trip but made sure to remind her 3,000 followers that they shouldn’t be worried: She will be taking her hands with her.
