You’re at a stable point in your life: solid job, steady boyfriend, good mental health – it’s the perfect time for you to make a happiness-ending error of judgment. With hundreds of self-sabotaging options to choose from, it can be hard to tell which massive misstep is right for your personal journey:
1) Your boss calls you on your day off, AGAIN! How do you tell her to stop?
a. Photocopy your middle finger, then make her eat that paper. You’re outta here!
b. Seek out a charismatic older male religious leader to isolate you from all your friendships.
c. Maybe date a married guy.
2) Your bestie makes a thoughtless comment that really hurts your feelings. How do you react?
a. Make a viral video of yourself quitting your friendship. Eat my dust, Barb!!
b. Braid your hair in a complicated fashion. Shun modern conveniences like Free Will.
c. You should date a married guy.
3) You woke up early to run five miles, but it’s freezing out! Do you:
a. Buy space on a billboard to list all the shit you put up with at that dead-end cubicle hellhole! You can get your master’s in Literature instead! Everything will fall into place! They’ll all miss you!
b. The Earth is 40 years old. Medicine is unnecessary. Boats are a rumor.
c. Start dating a married guy.
4) You see a gorgeous purse, but it’s WAY too expensi-
a. FUCK THIS QUIZ! I PUT UP WITH THIS QUIZ FOR 15 YEARS AND I’M DONE! I DON’T NEED A PAYCHECK, WHAT I NEED IS TO WRITE A CHILDREN’S NOVEL!
b. Marry an elderly goat against your will. Bear several sons. Prepare.
c. Become inextricably codependent on a married guy.
Mostly A’s: Publicly quit your job
Quitting your job in a flagrant fashion is totally the right wrong decision for you. Sure, you have a steady paycheck, but you’ve put up with their relentless garbage for TOO LONG. It is time to throw caution (and your financial stability) to the WIND. Time to write up some cue cards, hire a few circus performers, and get YouTube FAMOUS. Sure you’ll be on your sister’s couch in four months, but it’ll feel pretty great for a FEW HOURS.
Mostly B’s: Join a cult
Joining a cult is most definitely the best way to derail your life right now! It’s such a drag to make decisions for yourself, like when to get married and what your name is. A patriarchal backwoods Temple of Mortification (barn) is a great place to meet guys. Plus: cute braids! You’ll be riding an asteroid to Gorffzon before you know it.
Mostly C’s: Date a married guy
He’s already woman-approved. So what if it’s “cheating” or if his wife has “cancer” and he’s the “Speaker of the House?” You deserve a little life-ruining fun. Get in there!
