Penelope Jackson of Somerset, New Jersey experienced a miraculous weight loss transformation as soon as she started anxiously pacing around her house after she read the news.
We’re amazed by this rapid transformation fueled solely by anxious pacing!
Friends and family were shocked to see Jackson drop a whole waist size in a matter of weeks and desperately wanted in on her secret.
“I had just listened to an episode of The Daily and it was so disturbing that I just started walking in circles around my kitchen island while my thoughts raced on end. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I didn’t even realize I was exercising, I was just so afraid for the future of our country!” Penelope said.
Jackson also reported that the increased heart rate she experiences after logging on to Twitter has helped a lot with increasing her metabolism rate.
“Sometimes I’ll see a tweet from the President and it will stress me out so much that my body just gets revved up and my heart pounds for a few minutes! I’ll notice that all my muscles are tensing. It’s like the calories burn themselves.”
Jackson’s sister, Valerie, has also taken a page out of Penelope’s book and gotten in on the weight loss secret.
“After I saw how reading the news was doing wonders for Penelope’s weight loss, I subscribed to the Times. Now, whenever I get a sugar craving, I’ll read an article or two and I’ll get so sick to my stomach thinking about climate change that I will instantly lose my appetite.” Valerie said, still shaking with nervousness.
Jackson said that engaging with an online community about her fitness goals and the state of the country has been instrumental in keeping her fitness on track.
“Sometimes I would go outside and get off track and stop thinking about the news for a bit,” Jackson said, “But I’m part of an amazing and supportive online community where people will remind me to get back to it. One time I posted a picture of my cat and an old college friend commented ‘how can you engage in such frivolous distractions when climate change is burning the planet?’ and she was completely right, so I went right back to panicking.”
It’s important to check with a doctor before beginning any weight loss program. But Jackson has found that the costs are ultimately worth it.
“Yeah, I’m experiencing hair loss and premature graying from internalizing all the neverending chaos of the world, but hey, I’m a size 6 now!”
We stan an informed weight-loss queen!
