In a story of turmoil and triumph emerging from San Francisco, CA, 23-year-old Olivia Gates has successfully made a salad from scratch for lunch, and it only took her from noon to 6 p.m.
Nice! Right in time for dinner!
“The recipe said it should only take about 25 minutes to prepare,” Olivia told reporters gathered at the scene. “I figured with my limited cooking experience, it might take about 40.”
Sources confirm it took Olivia 360 minutes to complete, almost 15 times the estimated amount. In the amount of time it took Olivia to make one salad, another person could have crafted an entire table or performed coronary artery bypass surgery.
“The first thing I did was check my fridge for ingredients, only to find absolutely all of them were purchased three weeks ago and moldy,” she told reporters. “So, I went to the store to gather fresh produce and came back, which only took about 30 minutes.”
Olivia then began to chop each ingredient slower than you could ever imagine.
“When we look at chopping speeds, most chefs average about 1 cucumber every 45 seconds,” said culinary expert Georgie Lyons. “Maybe if you’re an amateur, it takes a minute or two. Olivia took about seven minutes per cucumber, and decided to chop four whole cucumbers for some reason.”
“So I maybe overestimated the size of the salad,” Olivia countered nonchalantly. “It happens! It just meant that I had to go back to the store to make sure I still had the right ratio of ingredients.”
This second grocery store trip took another 30 minutes.
“By the time I started opening my tuna cans to add some extra protein, it was 3 p.m.,” she continued. “Then I decided to boil some eggs, which took another hour.”
Sources lost track of how long she was peeling these eggs, but by the time she finished, it was getting dark.
“When all the chopping was done, it was time to get started on my dressing,” Olivia said, to groans from every reporter in the room. “It was a quick and easy olive oil and lemon dressing, so I decided to make it from scratch. I went to add feta, but I didn’t really have any feta, so that was one more trip to the store!”
At press time, Olivia sat down to eat her salad, only to realize it didn’t really fill her up. She then ordered takeout from the Thai place around the corner, which arrived in 11 minutes.
