The past year has reduced both our social skills and the variety of our day-to-day lives making small talk more unbearable than ever. But never one to submit to discomfort, 25-year-old Roxie Kovalenko took matters into her own hands.
How did she do it? This clever gal emits a high-frequency screech when someone asks her, “How have you been?”
“Basically, nothing has happened in my life for the last ten months that I have any desire to talk about whatsoever,” says Roxie. “So now when someone asks me how I’ve been, or what I’m up to, or sometimes depending on tone even ‘what’s up?’ I open up my mouth and release a screech from deep within my body that’s such a high frequency that humans can barely hear it, but it’s still piercing and disorienting enough that they back off.”
Okay hi, 2021 goals! Teach us your ways?
“The first time the screech was emitted was actually an involuntary response,” Roxie says. “I went to my friend’s rooftop and a friendly acquaintance from school I hadn’t seen for two years was there and wanted to catch up. It was more than my body, mind, and soul could bear.”
“But once the ability was awakened, I managed to gain control of it, and it’s been a huge help to me,” Roxie adds. “I’ve also discovered the frequency of the screech attracts all dogs within a four-block radius, and trust me, once a pack of hounds is descending on your outdoor social gathering, almost no one will follow up and how you’ve filled your days for the last year.”
However, not everyone is enlightened enough to just be happy for Roxie and her game-changing innovation.
“I get that small talk sucks, but why can’t she just make stale conversation about covid or current events like the rest of us?” says a friend, Amira Abbas. “Like, the dogs are really scary.”
But Roxie is not letting this sort of negativity get her down.
“If anything, I think I might expand my use of the screech,” Roxie says. “I have a Zoom call with family tonight; do you think my computer microphone can transmit this frequency?”
Here’s to finding out!