In an exciting story out of Chicago, IL, reporters caught up with 25-year-old Ali Longellow – or, as she’s more famously known: the only woman in the world who has the time for a button fly.
What an icon! Literally no one else has time for that!
While most people said they would rather never wear pants again than waste their time fastening a button fly, Ali said she had no such qualms.
“I realized I was different in elementary school,” Ali told reporters. “All the other kids would use the bathroom, zip up their vastly more efficient zipper flies, then rush out to enjoy recess. I, however, spent the entirety of recess, and well into the next class, doing up my button fly. It was then that I realized I had way less going on than other people, even though our schedules were exactly the same.”
Even those closest to Ali don’t understand where she finds the time to live such a button-fly-centric lifestyle.
“Does she have, like, nothing else going on? I just don’t understand how she has so much free time,” said Ali’s roommate, Carson Gates. “You’re telling me she has time to fasten a button fly and live a rich and fulfilling life outside of that? There’s no way that’s possible, just from a space-and-time standpoint.”
Ali’s mom went even further, saying, “I don’t know why my daughter would want to spend her one precious life fastening a six-button fly in the stall of a public restroom. She could be doing anything else. It’s just sad to watch your only child throw their life away.”
Wow…she’s so free, yet still so caged!
In spite of how others feel about her choices, Ali says she has no regrets about how she spends her vast amounts of free time.
“I’m pretty at peace, in general,” Ali said. “I’ve never once felt like I’ve had to be anywhere, or do anything, and I actually do work a high-level nine-to-five office job. Go figure!”
Sources claim that “Go figure!” is an incredibly minimizing way of explaining a phenomenon that others have put down to straight witchcraft.
“I absolutely believe there’s something supernatural going on here,” Carson told reporters. “Generations of individuals have had to choose between toiling their days away doing up a button-fly, or instead opting for a zipper fly and getting on with their lives. There’s no way Ali is the first one to have both a button fly and a life outside of it…not without the help of a benevolent warlock, that is.”
As of press time, Ali still maintains that she just “makes it work,” while almost everyone in her life now refers to her as a witch.
Good for her!
