Deirdre O’Connell may not go on many dates, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t in a long-term committed relationship. In fact, O’Connell is currently in the midst of her longest relationship to date – with the same set of putrid, dirty sheets she’s been sleeping on for almost eight months.
O’Connell “met” her plain white sheets when she bought them at a nearby Target. She knew she liked them, but she couldn’t have known then just how far the relationship would go. Eight months later, the sheets have never been washed and O’Connell delights in returning nightly to their familiar funky smell and soothing, crusty grime.
Like any relationship, O’Connell and her partner have both been changed by the beautiful co-existence that is committed love: O’Connell has saved the five minutes or so every week that it takes to strip a bed and throw your sheets in the wash and the sheets now have a permanent yellow stain in the shape of O’Connell’s body.
Despite her unwavering commitment to never washing her filthy sheets, O’Connell claims that settling down with a man is simply not in the cards right now.
“I just haven’t met the right guy,” says O’Connell. “I always find something wrong with them, like they’re too messy or they eat too much gross trash or they look unkempt all the time. Honestly the most stable thing in my life is my nasty fucking sheets and I don’t plan on washing them anytime soon. They’re so soft! I think because of all my oils?”
Reports confirm that, yes, the sheets are soft because of O’Connell’s oils. Her oils have in fact seeped through the sheets and into her mattress, which she has never turned.
Still, O’Connell, despite being in a monogamous relationship with her horrifically soiled sheets, does occasionally bring home sexual partners for a one-night stand or a brief fling.
“We went out to dinner, then back to her place,” says one such fling, Brian Sutter. “When we got to the bedroom, I peeled back her comforter and it was like unleashing a smell geyser. Like this completely revolting ass-like smell just shot up and hit me in the face. I should have worn a hazmat suit! But we still had sex.”
For now, O’Connell is happy living the single life, and she’s happier still coming home every day to her disgusting sheets that health inspectors would most certainly deem a biohazard.
“When you’re single, it’s good to have steady, regular things in your life,” she says. “Like not changing your sheets. Or emptying your fridge. Or buying new toilet paper. These are all things I don’t do!”