After watching it gather dust for several months, Albuquerque native Katherine Samson has begrudgingly accepted that her expensive sex swing would only ever be used to rock her boyfriend Clark during his panic attacks.
“It cost me like $230, but I figured it would pay for itself in orgasms,” Samson explains. “But now it just hangs in the living room until Clark’s anxiety reaches a peak every couple weeks. The rocking really helps him calm down, which is good, but…” She trails off, staring at her own crotch. “I just wish we could use it for sex.”
One day Samson came home to find her sobbing boyfriend rocking in the swing. “At first, I thought he was waiting to surprise me with sex since he was completely nude, but then he told me he had just watched a documentary on student debt, and he was convinced he’d wasted his whole life,” Samson explains, shaking her head. “I guess he had just stripped off all of his clothes in a cold sweat during a scene where they talk about the interest rates of private loans.” She adds, “He has a therapist and a prescription for Klonopin, but he really prefers the swing.”
Samson bought the swing in an effort to rejuvenate her relationship with Clark. For several weeks the couple talked about using the swing, but always opted to half-heartedly dry hump on the couch while watching True Blood instead. “One time we were both horny for it, but the cat was sleeping on [the swing], so we both just napped instead.”
Other times Clark has used the soothing motion of the sex swing to calm himself include an unfortunate trip to H&M that made him feel old, a time he thought he saw Philip Seymour Hoffman on the street then remembered he had died, and a summer day on which he accidentally swallowed a firefly.
“I bought the fuck swing thinking it’d inspire a sexual peak,” Samson says, “but instead it’s been home to some of the unsexiest moments in my entire life.”
When asked if she had any advice for women in similar situations Samson says, “Honestly, by the time you know there’s a problem, it’s going to be too late to do anything about it.” When asked if she was referring to the sex swing or Clark, Samson declined to comment.
