In a win for finally vocalizing your desires, 27-year-old Carmen DeGuzio has bravely admitted that her favorite kind of foreplay is where she and her partner spend six months cultivating a loving, nurturing relationship.
Okay, sure! Kinky!
“I used to think I was just into nipple stuff,” she told reporters gathered at the scene. “But then I met my current girlfriend, and she did this crazy new thing where she took her hands and used them to build this perfect, comfortable relationship over the course of six months, and it really got me there.”
Sources confirm that now, Carmen finds it difficult to “get there” without this kind of involved, intense foreplay.
“We spent six months loving each other wholly and deeply, learning the secret intricacies of each other’s inner worlds and bodies,” she continued. “I don’t know if I’ve ever nutted so fast.”
As far as where Carmen’s girlfriend, Priya Murjadeen, learned this technique, she admits, “Like with any great sexual experience, I’m kind of just trying something that someone else taught me in another relationship. Sure, my last partner and I ultimately weren’t compatible, and she did steal most of my clothes, but she also did teach me this one awesome sex thing – six months of courtship that really makes the sex fun.”
“Wait, Carmen’s into what now?” asked Carmen’s ex-boyfriend, Jeffrey Kingsley, laughing. “Nuh uh, no way. That’s not the Carmen I know. She hated the idea of a long-term relationship. She’s actually just really into nipple stuff.”
Sources confirm Jeffrey is simply telling himself what he wants to hear.
“I don’t know if I can ever go back to the sex I was having before this,” Carmen continued. “The thought of kissing a random stranger in a bar, bringing them back to my place, and just going at it doesn’t have the same ring to it as, ‘Confess that you want to die while holding my hand,’ you know?”
A survey of the general public found that 90% of people think they, too, could be into this kind of foreplay, but most say they haven’t found a person willing to try it with them yet.
“It just requires so much vulnerability to ask for that sort of thing,” said local grocer Jalyn Marks. “I’d say most people think it’s too kinky for their taste. Unlike rope stuff, which is awesome!”
