In a tragic story developing in Brooklyn, NY, 25-year-old Wesley Figg offered to meet her casual friend, Yasmine Dulha, on her side of town for coffee tomorrow, an offer Yasmine unfortunately accepted.
What the fuck? She wasn’t supposed to say yes!
“Yasmine and I live on complete opposite sides of town, but I feel like we’re not good enough friends for me to ask her to come here,” Wesley told reporters gathered outside her bedroom, where she had been crying for approximately 45 straight minutes. “So, when we decided on a day for coffee, I casually was like, ‘OMG! I can totally come to your neighborhood,’ and instead of being like, ‘Don’t be silly – let’s meet in the middle!’ she said, ‘Okay, thanks!’ How the fuck am I supposed to get to Gowanus from Bushwick and back?”
Scientists say it is impossible.
“It was so sweet of Wesley to offer to meet me here for coffee,” Yasmine told reporters, completely unaware of the turmoil she caused. “What a sweet girl! I think we’re going to be great friends.”
“Fat chance,” said one psychologist assigned to the case, Pamela Bowles. “Resentment will certainly build on Wesley’s side because of this indecency, and it can only explode from here. The path that’s been set in motion can only end in bloodshed. And there’s no way for Wesley to take it back now, as she offered point blank and then said, ‘Oh, for sure! No worries!’ when Yasmine double checked if it was okay.”
Sources confirm that Wesley will likely grin and bear it this one time, meeting Yasmine on her own turf, but even if coffee goes well, the burgeoning relationship is now doomed. Statistically, the odds are the next time they meet, Wesley will ask Yasmine to come to her neck of the woods, as is only fair. If Yasmine accepts this offer, the same resentment will build for her, but if she rejects it, Wesley will be internally furious.
“All of this could have been avoided if they just met in the middle,” Pamela continued. “But no, Wesley had to be self-effacing, and it just so happens that Yasmine takes things at face value, which isn’t a crime but might as well be.”
At press time, Wesley was getting dressed to meet Yasmine for coffee a full two hours early and seriously contemplated faking an illness.
