In a story that highlights the perseverance of man over drugs, 24-year-old Scarlett Kingston has forsaken drinking coffee, as she prefers to develop anxiety in a more natural way.
“I was drinking coffee daily, and it always made me so anxious,” Scarlett told reporters gathered at the scene. “I woke up one day and decided enough was enough. I would be developing my anxiety the God-given way thank you very much.”
By “the God-given way” Scarlett is referring to her natural ability to become anxious at the slightest sign of pressure, inconvenience, or even lack of pressure or inconvenience.
“Instead of coffee, I wake myself up by first inducing a stress dream where I’m late to work,” she continued. “Then, once I’m awake, I keep that nervous energy going by leaving the house approximately three minutes after I should, such that it makes my entire commute impossibly stressful with no room for error.”
Sources confirm Scarlett ensures she is always 90 seconds late to everything, which isn’t enough to call ahead and announce her lateness, but it is enough to make the experience a living hell for her. Sources confirm that 83% of the time, she has to run a little bit.
“I just hated the way my heart would start to race and my hands would get clammy the second a drop of caffeine hit my system,” she continued. “After all, I can rely on my own thoughts to do that! Thoughts like, ‘You’ll never amount to anything,’ and ‘You probably left your lights on, which isn’t dangerous, per se, but it is wasteful!’”
Scarlett has also gladly left the digestive effects of coffee behind. She prefers to rely on an extremely natural, preservative-free montage of embarrassing memories to make her shit her brains out each day.
“It’s the perfect laxative,” she continued. “And if you’d believe, it’s non-dairy!”
Scarlett maintains that for years, she let coffee control her life. Now, she’s letting her innate preclusion towards worry do the same, but at least it’s carcinogen-free! Will this natural method still give her a stomach ulcer? Probably, yeah! In fact, it’s even more likely!
As of press time, Scarlett has also decided to also cut sugar out of her life because she can give herself heart palpitations just by walking up some stairs.
