In a tragic story out of Ann Arbor, MI, 28-year-old overachiever Diya Aggarwal is currently training for a marathon, which suggests that she doesn’t know you literally don’t have to do that and can just chill on the couch.
“I’m excited for the bulk of the training!” Diya lied to reporters, as if it was possible to be excited for running when you could just be shooting the shit with your buds on a futon. “In fact, I’m so excited I might just start early!”
“It’s a sad story really,” Diya’s roommate, Haley Khan, told reporters. “Clearly no one has told her that she doesn’t have to do this. I tried to yell this at her through the wall for a few hours yesterday, but she claimed she didn’t hear me because she was ‘listening to a running podcast.’ What’s become of my friend?”
Scientists confirm that chilling on the couch has been and always will be an option, and that the most important thing you can do for the runner in your life is tell them this.
“Most of the time when we meet people who run long distances, they’re just doing that because they can’t see a way out,” Dr. Jeremiah Pugh told reporters. “But there’s an extremely simple way out: just sit your ass on a three-seater and turn on the game, any game!”
Dr. Pugh has since started a “Just Don’t” campaign reminding runners that they could literally just hang out instead.
Meanwhile, the people who care about Diya hope she gets the help she needs before she does something really drastic, like run 26.2 miles for no reason.
“I’ve been trying to show her what a life of sitting on the couch could look like, just to lead by example,” Haley continued. “But she’ll just pass me by on the couch as she leaves for her morning run. Delusion has really taken hold here.”
At their wits end, her friends finally contacted a psychiatrist and staged an intervention.
“When she got home from her last run,” Haley told reporters. “We had a group there to tell her, ‘You don’t have to do this. We can get you help.’”
Sources confirm Diya then took out her headphones and said, “Sorry, what? Had my headphones in,” and before the group could resume the intervention, she’d left to go shower.
At press time, Diya ran the marathon in a really fast time and raised about $3000 for a charity supporting unhoused women. Her friends are still hopeful that she will see the error of her ways.
