In a story coming out of a Brooklyn, NY apartment, Sylvie Bronson is still grappling with the fact that cramps are somehow deemed “normal” despite her feeling like she’s mere seconds away from death.
“I’m sorry, but there’s no way this is natural,” she told reporters, while pressing a hot water bottle to her stomach. “Like, I literally can’t get up or else I’ll collapse from the pain, and all I’m supposed to do is take an NSAID and, like, pray?”
Several gynecologists confirmed that this was true, and that Sylvie should just grow up and move on.
However, Sylvie was determined to get a second opinion about the subject, which led her to call her mother.
“Yeah, there’s really nothing you can do,” Sylvie’s mom, Gloria Bronson, told her over the phone. “I remember when I was in bed for days because of cramps, and all I did was take aspirin, which didn’t really help at all. But, y’know, that’s life!”
Sylvie was visibly upset by the remark.
“So, nothing has changed in 30 fucking years?” she told reporters in between winces. “How is that possible? Can one of you just knock me out? Please? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.”
Despite her cries for one of the reporters to somehow knock her unconscious, none of them agreed because doing so would violate the SPJ Code of Ethics.
“I can literally see my lower stomach throbbing,” Sylvie continued. “Like, hello! That’s not normal! Last I checked, this isn’t Alien — this is my normal, human life!”
Sylvie then googled natural remedies for period cramps, which led her to an online list that included applying heat, exercising, having an orgasm, and acupuncture.
“Okay, so I’m already doing one of those things,” Sylvie said. “And the rest I’m just not doing. I’m in too much pain to exercise or have an orgasm, and I obviously don’t have acupuncture needles on hand?”
It was at this point that reporters just kind of left her there like that, because they didn’t really know what else to do.
At press time, Sylvie had finally made peace with the fact that cramps are simply part of life, but this is likely because she hadn’t gotten her next period yet.
