Woman Searching for Common Factor Between Failed Relationships Besides Her

After all these years of being a “perfect partner” in several fraught relationships, 22-year-old NYU graduate Penelope MacArthur doesn’t understand why she is still single


“I don’t get it. Bryan, my ex, told me he saw a future with me,” Penelope explains. “But when I made us matching embroidered cloaks and daggers to perform a blood pact, he said he ‘needed some space’. Why do I always find these broken men?”


The self-professed hopeless romantic who “loves too hard” simply cannot pinpoint the consistent variable present across each relationship she is in.


“I know that I for one am always putting in the work,” Penelope says. “I once called a hospital pretending to be the mom of one of my exes so that the doctors would take his grandfather off of life support and he could get the week off of work.”


“He totally freaked out and I was like wow, someone is afraid of accepting the love they deserve,” Penelope adds. “It’s sad, really. I guess in our culture men are just emotionally stunted. But also it’s like, grow up, you didn’t even know your grandfather that well.”


When contacted about their relationship with the 22-year-old bachelorette, Penelope’s exes had much to say.



“I held the door for a random woman behind me one time,” says Jared, an ex. “And Penelope found her office and wrote in lipstick on her mirror to stay away from us. She later claimed she was protecting me because the woman had a ‘Fatal Attraction vibe’. Anyway, the restraining order has been good for me, personally.”


When asked how she is able to rebuild herself after each heartbreak, Penelope replied, “I listen to a lot of music to remind myself I’m a bad bitch. Olivia Rodrigo’s Sour got me through my recent breakup. “


“I just have to stay true to myself,” she adds, “and know that the right man will come along and break this cycle in time.”