‘Don’t Worry, No One Is Even Thinking About You,’ Says Friend Who You Often Think About and Judge

In a futile attempt to assuage your anxieties, your friend Isabel Price, whom you often think about and judge, is insisting that no one is even ever thinking about you.


“We’re all just inside of our own heads,” says Isabel, who you historically have judged for her lack of self-awareness. “No one else notices what you do, you’re the only one thinking about it.”


While you know Isabel’s intentions were noble, each additional assurance left you more convinced of your paranoid insecurities.


“Like, when I went to Hawaii last winter, I was so worried about what other people would think,” says Isabel, who you personally did judge quite severely for traveling to an island with enclosed local residents during an uncontrolled global pandemic. “But then I realized that no one really cares what I do.”


You are unconvinced by this argument.


“I’ve blatantly judged Isabel for doing things that I think are wrong, but I judge her for smaller stuff, too,” you say. “Like continuing to hookup with guys who self identify as weekend warriors or tweeting song lyrics with no context. And maybe that just means I’m a judgmental person, but it stands to reason that there are others like me and that those people are, in fact, thinking about and judging my behavior.”


Isabel, however, is still trying to persuade you otherwise.



“I mean, think about it,” she says. “You’re over here worrying about people judging you, and you’re putting all this energy into it, but you’re not judging anyone else.”


You are reportedly unsure as to why Isabel thinks these thought processes are mutually exclusive, but witnesses confirm you simply responded: “I see your point.”


“Anyway, it’s better for you to not think about this stuff because it does you no good,” says Isabel, who’s technically right about that aspect but that’s easily outweighed by her being wrong about everything else. “Besides, it’s actually its own sort of delusional egoism to assume that people are talking behind your back.”


At press time, you were texting a mutual friend about the “classic Isabel” conversation you just had.