In an inspiring story of refusal to conform to societal expectations, 26-year-old Princeton, NJ resident Alex King is bravely rejecting perfectionism by not pressuring herself to scan every single little thing at the grocery store self-checkout.
“In a world that asks absolute perfection of us, it is an act of resistance to celebrate our imperfections,” she told reporters gathered at the scene. “Which is why I’m going to be taking this cottage cheese for free.”
Sources confirm seeing Alex pause at the self-checkout, look around for any witnesses, then pass the cottage cheese over the scanner and directly into her bag. Clearly, she did not look around for witnesses well enough, as nine people saw her.
“I’ve struggled with perfectionism for my whole life,” she told reporters while she ran to her car for fear of being caught. “When you fear something – like making a mistake – it’s important to desensitize yourself to it by making mistakes and realizing the world will not end. This is why I’ve taken the cottage cheese without paying.”
Psychologist Dr. Phoebe DeMarco says this is technically the definition of “inundation therapy,” but the application here is a bit of a stretch.
“Proud of her for shoplifting, though,” Dr. DeMarco said. “That’s sick.”
“I can’t be perfect all the time,” Alex continued, driving home but looking over her shoulder to make sure the cops weren’t coming after her. “And I think the self-checkout is the perfect place to allow myself room to breathe.”
By “room to breathe,” reporters believe Alex is referring to “not paying for a certain portion of her goods or wares.”
“I’m so happy to see that she’s finally taking her mental health seriously,” Alex’s roommate Francine O’Connor told reporters. “She can’t keep up with this perfectionism! I mean, paying for everything? How is that sustainable? She’s going to burn out!”
According to Alex, Francine uses “burn out” and “go broke” interchangeably.
When reached for comment, the supervisor of the Publix outlet that Alex stole from said, “Wait, what? Someone stole something? You know we have to report this now, right?”
Sources confirm the reporters felt really bad about this and regretted it immediately, but the damage had been done and they’re really sorry.
At press time, Alex settled on her next self-improvement journey: She’ll be overcoming imposter syndrome by allowing herself to do no work and put in no effort ever.
