In a developing story coming out of Dallas, TX, 31-year-old Lexi Mathers has worn her heavy tote bag on the same shoulder for so many years that she now reports she is off-balance for the foreseeable future.
“It’s kind of like ‘sea legs’ but with tote bags,” Lexi told reporters while wobbling slightly, trying in vain to maintain proper balance. “No one ever warned me about the price you can pay for always wearing your tote bag on the same shoulder, which is why I want my story to be heard.”
According to Lexi’s friends, she had always had impeccable posture and balance until she started consistently wearing a tote bag on her right shoulder in 2015.
“Lexi used to have better balance than I did. She was practically running laps around me when we went to yoga class together,” Yolanda Hewes, one of Lexi’s closest friends since high school, told reporters. “That is, until she started consistently wearing her tote bag on the same shoulder every day. Now, her hand-eye coordination is totally off, and whenever she’s not wearing her bag, she’s always trying to compensate for the absence of its weight on her body.”
Witnesses report that Lexi now avoids carrying any kind of liquid, refuses to hold small children, and even unnecessarily grabs the “phantom bag strap” of her tote bag whenever she kneels down to tie her shoes.
“Looking back, I wonder if I could have avoided being permanently off-kilter by occasionally switching which shoulder I carried my bag on,” Lexi told reporters. “But I also think I would probably deal with the same things, just on both sides of my body. I guess we’ll never truly know.”
Lexi explained that she has tried just about everything to readjust her balance after the damage of carrying her tote bag on one side had been done.
“I was wearing fanny packs for a while,” she said. “Then I tried backpacks, then clutches, then cross-body bags, but nothing seemed to work.”
However, when reporters attempted to pry for more details about Lexi’s trials with these other bags, Lexi revealed that she did this while continuing to wear her tote bag on the same shoulder.
“I mean, hello?” Lexi added. “Where else am I gonna put my extremely heavy laptop and all the books I never end up reading?”
