While millions of student loan borrowers wait in limbo for the Supreme Court to make a ruling on Biden’s loan forgiveness plan, 26-year-old Morgan Wagner is thinking one step ahead, waiting patiently for someone to mention that they should forgive credit card debt as well.
“It’s messed up that they’re taking so long to forgive student loans,” she tells reporters. “While we’re on the subject, though, would it be so crazy to forgive credit card debt, too?”
She continues, stating, “I – sorry, those people with crippling, self-inflicted credit card debt could really benefit from some debt forgiveness. The credit card companies keep calling them and clogging up their voicemail boxes. I wouldn’t know what that’s like personally, but I can empathize.”
When pressed for more information on why credit card debt should be forgiven, Wagner caved, confessing that she might have some personal stakes in the matter.
“Okay, fine, maybe I have a teeny tiny bit of credit card debt,” she says. “Did I think that credit cards were essentially fake money that I could use without ever having to pay off any of my purchases? Sure! Does that mean I should drown in debt for the rest of my life? No! I’m just a baby. Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have impulse-bought that fancy $400 toaster with money I didn’t have, but I bought it as a consolation gift for myself when I didn’t get into grad school, so the debt kind of evens out, if you think about it. But this isn’t about me!”
Sources close to Wagner say she’s been trying to work this talking point into conversation for years now.
“A couple of years ago, Morgan texted me being like, ‘Is $10,000 a lot of credit card debt?’” shares Wagner’s roommate Alissa Chen. “I was like, ‘Yeah, kinda’ and then she never responded, but now every few weeks, she’ll say something super specific like, ‘They should forgive people who bought too many J. Crew knits at the outlet store because what if they were on sale and that person was sad?’ and then try to act like she isn’t just talking about herself.”
Chen adds, “I hope they do forgive credit card debt just for her sake. It really seems like she’s physically unable to not buy kitschy Golden Girls magnets for the fridge, or little bowls that are shaped like fish, or a $200 trash can simply because it’s ‘sleek.’ I’m worried about her. Plus, we share an apartment, so I need her to be able to make rent.”
Upon hearing Chen’s statements, Wagner wanted to reiterate that this wasn’t about her and her “totally negligible amount of credit card debt,” but rather those people who “spent too much money at Petco on a dog they don’t have” because “it’s aspirational, and they should be rewarded for that mentality, not punished” and “it’s a dog raincoat, for god’s sake, I couldn’t just walk past it!”