Overwhelmed with her stressful life, Seattle, WA local Mandy Kim has finally gotten into running to clear her thoughts. This has proven quite effective given that the only thing she thinks while working out is just ‘I hate running’ over and over again.
“I’ve tried to process my anxiety in healthier, more conducive ways – yoga, therapy, journaling – but nothing was as effective as just letting my hatred of running tamp it all down!” said the 24-year-old. “It’s like a WWE wrestler-sized voice of loathing just beating down any other negative voice in my head.”
Mandy told reporters that she is often consumed by daily worries such as financial stability and wondering what her co-workers really think of her, along with her overall lingering sense of existential ennui given the state of the world. However, all those worries are single-handedly replaced by a simple stream of expletives when she works out.
“I can’t believe I didn’t start running sooner. All my nervous thoughts? Gone. Just like that. Who knew the only thing stronger than all my neuroses was my absolute animosity towards cardio?”
Dr. Gina Lampard, a leading psychologist at Harvard, explains that this is a common phenomenon among people who exercise.
“After decades of research, it turns out that hatred of a specific activity is a very powerful mental force,” said Dr. Lampard. “Exercising is the leading activity in clearing the mind, because most people who work out spend the whole time willing for it to be over, but studies have shown that other activities can equally invoke an overwhelming feeling of detestation while doing it.”
“This is exactly why I go clubbing!” Mandy’s friend Hannah told reporters. “Letting loose always makes me forget about everything that went on in the day. There’s nothing quite like dancing the night away in some dark, sweaty enclosed space to shitty EDM music, thinking how much you actually hate going out to really make you forget about your other worries.”
Mandy, meanwhile, plans to continue running for her mental health.
“I think I’m going to do a marathon later this year,” she told reporters. “I’ve never felt more at peace with my life than when I channel all my thoughts into how much I hate running. Can you imagine that for 26 miles? It’ll be like taking a mini vacation!”
