Woman Confesses She Did ‘Nothing Except Go For a Run’ Today

At a private dinner Saturday night, San Diego resident Chrissy Gelety, 25, confessed to her friends she did “nothing but go for a run” earlier that day, following with, “Aren’t I pathetic?”


The confession was met with stony gazes and halfhearted contributions from each guest as they shared the actual unimpressive activities they’d engaged in that day.


“She showed up to dinner in running gear,” said friend Melissa Hernandez, “so it’s not like it was this big fat mystery as to what she’d been up to. You know what I did Saturday? Refreshed my ex’s Facebook page for hours and masturbated to Scandal. It was a great fucking day.”


“What does it even mean that you did nothing but run? You dragged that body out along the pavement for an hour like some kind of martyr.” Anna Nolan, 25, asked. “It’s like, fine, you went for a run. Cool. Just have some self-respect and post something about it on Instagram like everyone else.”



“I also went on a run that morning,” Kayla Palmer, 25, quietly shared, “but I had the human decency to know not to say anything. Rachel just told us she hasn’t been to the gym in a month. Have some sensitivity.”


In recent weeks, Gelety sparked frustration after owning up to neglecting her dog in order to stay in bed all day with her boyfriend, flossing only once while sick with strep, and using under-eye concealer on the rest of her face because she ran out of regular concealer.


Gelety could not be reached for comment because she had just eaten a huge salad for lunch and was feeling “super gross.”