In a testament to wishful thinking coming out of Wilmington, VT, 26-year-old Tiana Wilkins just picked up a bunch of squash at the grocery store because — despite the fact she has never once cooked with squash in her life — she’s pretty sure she’s going to start cooking with squash now.
Sources confirm Tiana came to the grocery store with the intention of buying yogurt and granola for breakfast before she was derailed by these delusions of grandeur.
“Sure, I would say I’m uncomfortable cooking most vegetables and stick to broccoli or cauliflower for the sake of fire safety,” she told reporters while turning the squash over in her hands to make sure it had the correct feel to it, as if she would know what that was. “But I think squash would be a great addition to my cooking repertoire.”
According to those in Tiana’s life, that “repertoire” includes boxed mac and cheese, one TikTok caprese recipe, and a chickpea salad when she feels like she’s overdone it on the mac and cheese lately.
“I’ve just seen so many great squash recipes and hear it’s a very versatile fruit,” she continued, clearly forgetting squash is a vegetable. “OMG! Maybe I’ll make spaghetti squash tonight.”
Sources confirm spaghetti squash requires about 14 cooking utensils Tiana currently does not own, such as a food processor and a large bowl.
This isn’t the first time Tiana has lost sight of her cooking ability while shopping for produce.
“Last week she brought home three eggplants, a container of Thai peanut sauce, and some vermicelli noodles and told me she was going to make a ‘feast for the senses,’” said Tiana’s roommate, Yuki Green, told reporters. “But then she got distracted watching BoJack, realized it was already 9pm, and opted for a bowl of cereal for dinner.”
The eggplant went bad approximately six days later, but Tiana will not remove it from the fridge – let alone realize this has happened – for an estimated three weeks.
Meanwhile, back at the grocery store, Tiana had picked up three squashes, a new bag of fresh dill even though she already has one at home and would not know what to do with it anyway, and some corn for god knows what reason.
As of press time, Tiana had returned from the grocery store, realized she forgot yogurt and granola altogether, and decided to make some oatmeal for dinner.
