Annie Dell, a 32-year-old Philadelphia resident, recently caused ripples of confusion among her friends and family with a misinformed statement. Dell, who is three months pregnant, said that she is “afraid of pooping during childbirth,” even though that’s widely considered the best part.
“I would just be so embarrassed to lose control of my bodily functions like that,” said Dell. “I can’t even imagine having people see that.”
Dell’s sister, Meghan Frank, could not relate to this concern.
“I’m not sure why Annie can’t imagine pooping,” said Frank. “I poop every day. It’s a positive part of my life. I actually look forward to it. Childbirth, however, she should be very afraid of. She has no idea what she’s in for.”
Dr. Joanna Schlossman, Dell’s OB/GYN, confirmed that a potential labor shit was not to fear.
“Lisa’s not alone in her worry,” said Dr. Schlossman. “A lot of women express concern over poop, which is strange because, medically speaking, everything else that happens is way crazier. Does she know about afterbirth? I should call her.”
“Anyway,” continued Dr. Schlossman. “If you want to get worked up, think about the thinning and dilation of your cervix and accompanying contractions. That’s cause for concern. But a little turd slipping out? That’s fun and games.”
In an effort to assuage her panic, Dell turned to a friend with biological children, Cynthia Perry.
Perry’s face reportedly lit up at the mention of childbirth dookie.
“Oh, it’s the best,” said Perry. “I, like a lot of women, was really constipated during my third trimester. There were simply too many things in my body.”
“I was in labor for 19 hours,” added Perry. “Taking a good shit was seriously the highlight. That and having a baby at the end.”
With nowhere else to turn, Dell finally shared her fecal terror with her conservative mother. Much to Dell’s surprise, her mother started laughing with glee.
“I thought she would scold me for saying something distasteful,” said Dell. “But she actually whipped out an album of birth photos I had never seen that included pictures she took of her own poop.”
“Wow,” said Dell. “I was so worried about pooping, but now I’m actually starting to worry I won’t poop. It sounds great.”
