Witnesses Stunned After Subway Manspreader Rips In Half

Witnesses aboard the Brooklyn-bound B train looked on in horror as inconsiderate subway rider John DeMarco, 31, ripped completely in half after spreading his legs too far across the provided subway seating area Friday evening.


DeMarco, who is said to have pushed past elderly people, a pregnant woman and a wounded war veteran to plop down in the middle seat of an empty three-person row before stretching his legs wildly far apart, tore completely in half from the groin up through his chest and head.


“It was awful, there was blood everywhere,” says 26-year-old onlooker Michelle Yang. “But it was kind of nice to see that karma is real.”


While many spectators were horrified, they were also simultaneously smug and satisfied. Most people expressed disgust for DeMarco — who was clearly fully capable of standing up — for inconveniencing them in more ways than one.


“The subway was packed with kids, elderly folks, even a Mariachi band was playing. Meanwhile, this guy has the gall to stretch his legs across three seats? Nuh-uh. He had it coming, if you ask me,” said Grace Caplan, who was aboard the train and witnessed as DeMarco man-spread himself in two. “As if taking up the entire row of seats wasn’t enough, now the train is delayed, because guys in hazmat suits have to come and clean his stupid entrails off of everything. It’s like, how big are your balls, dude?”



She adds, “I saw his balls, since they got ripped off. They’re normal-size.”


Other spectators say prior to literally ripping perfectly down the middle, DeMarco looked to other men aboard the train for solidarity, after refusing to let a woman with only one leg sit. When he received no such support, he spread his legs even further apart as if to say “Fuck you, I’m John DeMarco. This is my train!”


“He looked at me like I was going to support his inconsiderate behavior, like I’m gonna back up another man just because we’re both men or something,” witness Aaron Davis said, recalling DeMarco’s gaze just moments before lacerating at his core like a body on the cover of a Cannibal Corpse album. “That kind of caveman attitude doesn’t belong in modern society. Also, he ruined my iPad.”


At press time, pieces of DeMarco’s brain were being collected by researchers attempting to link similarities in human brains to that of wild orangutans, while his body still refused to narrow itself within the confines of the stretcher.