The sun is a huge ball of fire and gas and it’s gonna kill all our skins if we don’t watch out. If you’re not pounding high-ass SPF sunscreen like it’s a Strawberry fucking Daiquiri, then you’re one-hundred percent definitely gonna get Melanoma, other cancers, brain tumors, or some fucking worse thing scientists haven’t even discovered yet.
Sunscreen is your last line of defense against the Sun’s army of evil skin-killing rays. And you think you can just rely on SPF 45? Ha! I’d be laughing if danger were funny. SPF 60? Someone hold me back while I punch this wall. SPF 85? Now we’re fucking getting somewhere. Slather it on your body like you’re a rotisserie fucking chicken. Then, drink the rest of the bottle. That’s right. Drink it. Now that tastes fucking SAFE.
You’re gonna wanna chug that Summer Blocktail before you even set foot in the sun. Don’t sip it all dainty and think that Captain Sun doesn’t know how to infiltrate your shitty, weak body. You gotta coat those insides if you wanna survive.
One-hundred percent of people have skin. Think about that statistic for a second. Now tattoo it on the insides of your fucking eyelids, because that’s the number that’s gonna scare you into not living your life like a dumbass with a cancer wish. Not scared of UVB Rays? Think of it this way: When you go outside without drinking sunblock, you’re just a big, brainless sponge soaking that poisonous shit right up. Educate yourself: UVB=U Very Bad. That’s what they teach you on day one of Harvard medical school, you dumb fucking burn magnet.
Like to have a nice tan, huh? You think that looks sexy? Here’s what else looks sexy: the inside of your worthless grave. The sun isn’t fucking around with you, so don’t fuck around with it. Because it will eat your ass with its fiery tongue and your ghost will be like, “I wish I had chugged that screen bro, I wish I chugged that screen.” And all the other ghosts will judge you for being a shallow piece of shit and squandering the fucking gorgeous gift of life.
Do you want to live? Then chug like it’s your last day on earth.
