The summer is rife with possibilities for fun new experiences. So make sure your roommate is fully aware of that so she’ll get the hell out of your apartment and you can be alone for once.
A Far-Away Music Festival
Festivals can be an amazing way to enjoy the power of music that gets your roommate off your couch for one goddamn weekend. You’d do anything for a moment of quiet, even if it means splurging for tickets and slipping them under her door with a post-it that says “You HAVE to go! ;) Literally you have to.” That way you can finally reclaim the couch (NOT the “bed” for her friend who’s “like a sister”) and sneak a swig of that jalapeño tequila she always says you can try even though she doesn’t mean it.
A Super Remote Beach Weekend
Nothing beats a relaxing beach getaway (for her), and science shows that far away beaches are better for relaxation than close-by beaches, or at least that’s what you should tell her. That way you too can have a nice long cool-down with the island breeze your tower fan simulates, and take in the salty air that those chips leave around your lips. And when the sun sets, you can naked-watch Grey’s Anatomy in the living room in peace, just like nature intended.
A Distant Bar Opening
Bar openings are always filled with fun, lively people to become her new friends that never come over. So find one that’s not near you at all and make sure she gets there! Let her have a night of dancing and cocktails and remember that you too deserve a night to yourself where you can finally use the hallway to learn double-dutch. You. Can. Do. This.
An Out-of-Town Berry-Picking
Have you ever thought, “I wish my state had fresher produce?” Fuck no, because then that locavore roommate of yours would never leave! So tell her about how E. coli happened to local fruit and make sure she goes somewhere else to get blueberries or gooseberries or whatever she insists on “parfait-ing” at six o’clock on a Saturday.
A Really Long Movie Premiere
This summer is going to be packed with blockbusters you won’t want her to miss. So buy her a midnight IMAX 3D ticket and sweeten the pot by telling her Justin Timberlake is rumored to be attending. The point is to get her OUT so you can use the full-length mirror in the bathroom to decide if your dress is too “boob-y” for that June wedding, sans the skinny judgment of her judgy eyes.
Summer is the best time of year, so make sure you enjoy it without your annoying roommate! And if all else fails, hide in a closet and send her a text that says, “At the place, where you?” that’ll have her running out the door to go far, far away in no time!