The other day I was walking down the street. Everywhere I looked, I saw women hunched over their phones, rushing to their next destination, joining conference calls, handing iPads to their babies. They all looked so unhappy and preoccupied, I wanted to scream at them: YOU DUMB CUNTS AREN’T LIVING.
I was like them once: hot, perfect, successful, always running late to a meeting. Most of all, I wasn’t free. I felt like there should be more.
Then I got beachy waves, and everything changed. I started working less and being in a hammock more. I stopped using my phone as a way to avoid human connection, and started using it to take selfies with minimum-wage workers I met three seconds ago captioned, “It’s all about human connection.”
I’m living – really living, and I’m so fucking happy that I’m furious at all the idiots that surround me for not making the same choices as I am. I just want you dumb cunts to be as happy as me!
I’ve always been a no-nonsense kind of gal (you can tell because I swear so much), so it’s time for some brutal honesty, a slice of reality pie. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid, and start drinking this other kind of Kool-Aid I’m about to throw in your dumb fucking face. You need to start living, because right now you are a fucking zombie. Throw your phone in the ocean. Throw your baby in the ocean. Follow your goddamn heart, you brainless little fucks.
If you are currently reading this from your corporate desk…what the fuck you are so fucking stupid?? Shoot your boss, burn your building to the ground, feel the sand between your toes. Start your own business. Sell bedazzled seashells to hermit crabs. PAINT SUCCULENTS PINK. Start a meditation workshop for your stepdad. Blog.
Kurt Cobain was right – the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. But you don’t have to anymore. It’s 2017! Chop your hair off. Chop your head off. Replace your head with a dream catcher. What the fuck are you waiting for, you stupid herd of woman sheep?
Close your ugly little robot eyes for a second. Imagine you suddenly have a billion dollars. What would you do with that money? Now open your eyes, and start doing that. How? I don’t fucking know. That’s the problem with women. We need to stop asking how to do what we want, and start barking orders at the maid in our seaside bungalows. See, it’s easy! You pathetic shits just haven’t tried.
Kill your father! Marry your mother. Be. Blonde. Consequences are for people who aren’t woke enough to realize they are too privileged to face consequences.
To sum it up clearly for all you dumb fucks: truth, honesty, flowers in your hair, truth. Namaste.
