As my birthday party rapidly approaches, I feel that it is necessary to set some ground rules. Two trends in particular are dominating popular culture and ruining life as we know it. I am talking, of course, about the growing prevalence of selfie sticks and Julia: One is a cheap looking, stupidly thin, easy piece of plastic, and the other is a selfie stick, and I decided to ban both of these nuisances from my party this weekend.
I know it seems drastic, but selfie sticks are dangerous. Also, no one wants to hear about how Julia was chosen to sit in the front row at SoulCycle on her second day there. Disney World recently announced that selfie sticks caused multiple roller coaster evacuations and ride delays. I am not having that shit at my party. It’s not worth the risk. Additionally, Julia rescued a pit bull puppy last week and everyone knows it’s not house-trained yet. For the best interests of everyone, there is no way I can responsibly allow her at my party.
Selfie sticks block sidewalks, and presumably the areas of my deck where someone might be trying to squeeze by a hot grill. Remember last year when Julia wrote me that song and performed an entire acoustic set at my birthday party? That was also a fire hazard. An embarrassingly bad fire hazard. There will be absolutely none of that at my party this year.
This is not to say that selfies are prohibited, because that is definitely not the case. In fact, I encourage everyone to take loads of selfies throughout the party; specifically ones with me. How else will Julia know what she’s missing? I still want her there in spirit, I just don’t want her there in person.
If anyone has an issue with my rules, feel free to RSVP “no,” and spend Saturday night alone at The Cheesecake Factory holding out a selfie stick with Julia to capture how sad your life (and Julia’s) is.
