The modern dating landscape is more complicated than ever. Situationships abound, and it seems everyone just wants something physical without any of the emotional intimacy. That being said, the friendship landscape is even worse. For me, specifically, I mean. Making friends is impossible, and in fact, I have none. It’s time to use the dating scene to my advantage, and that’s why I’ve stopped looking for anything complicated and started looking for a chill, no-strings-attached “friends with benefits” situation so that I can have a friend.
Many people disparage the “friends with benefits” arrangement because it seems like a relationship without any of the emotional intimacy. They see that label and think, “How can you just remain friends with someone you’re having sex with?” In contrast, I see it and think, “I can make a friend via the easy task of sex? Buddy, what are we doing standing around? Take off your pants!”
Don’t get me wrong – I’ve been in dozens, if not hundreds of romantic relationships, but I can’t get my hands on a single goddamn friend. I’ve joined community outreach groups, running clubs, even a dodgeball tournament at my local Y, but everyone I’ve met already has a solid friend group, or worse, wants to fall in love with me. None of it yields what I want most: a casual pal. I am now willing to take extreme measures – a little bit of sex – if it means I get to hang out with someone a few times a week and talk about what we’ve been up to that day. God, that sounds amazing.
The requirements of my “friend with benefits” agreement are simple: my partner defines the benefits, and I define the friendship. It basically means if I give someone a blowjob, I also get to ask them whether they saw the finale of Succession and what they thought of Tom’s arc. If someone were willing to do the latter without the sex, that would be ideal, but I don’t live in the “bubblegum cotton candy world of fucking dreams,” and eventually we all have to grow the fuck up.
Unlike other “friends with benefits” situations that inevitably blow up as both parties develop romantic feelings for each other (see: Friends With Benefits (2011) starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis), me and my guy – a man I bumped into at Trader Joe’s and immediately propositioned – are just becoming better and better friends! Mission accomplished, baby.
