When the news broke about Colorado Congresswoman Rep. Lauren Boebert vaping, using her cell phone, and fondling her date during a family-friendly performance of Beetlejuice at a Denver theater, people were up in arms about the whole ordeal. I, however, couldn’t be happier because there were absolutely no headlines about me taking a shit in the aisle at the same exact performance.
Of course, everyone tells you that you should use the bathroom before you leave to go somewhere else. Normally I follow that rule of thumb, but since I knew there was going to be an intermission halfway through the musical, I thought I’d be fine.
However, it somehow slipped my mind that I had eaten eight different breakfast burritos before attending the show (they were the only food I had left in my freezer), and that they would eventually come back to haunt me.
When I first walked into the performance hall, I instantly recognized Rep. Boebert. She was sitting down and trying to discreetly take puffs from her vape by covering her mouth, which obviously didn’t work, but I didn’t think much about it. I had been waiting to see this show for so long, and I wasn’t going to let any kind of disruption stop me from enjoying it! Except for my explosive diarrhea that just couldn’t wait until I got to the bathroom.
It was only the second scene of the staged production when I suddenly felt something deeply wrong. While I could hear some of the patrons in another part of the theater turn around and plead, “Could you stop groping each other? This is a family-friendly production!” I was way more concerned about the sweat that started pouring down my face and the shit that was about to pour out of my pants.
I got up and tried to make my way to the bathroom as fast as I could, but it was too late. I accepted my fate and soiled myself right then and there in the aisle. But by some miraculous grace of God, or maybe my very own guardian angel, there was a large disturbance at the other exit, which was Lauren Boebert asking the theater security “Do you know who I am?” and telling them “I’m going to tell the mayor about this!”
Without the huge commotion she caused, it probably would’ve been me on the security footage that went viral across the nation. In fact, no one in the theater even noticed that I shat all over the carpet from the entrance to the stage! And for this, I’ll always be grateful to Lauren and the sacrifice she made to protect someone like me. Thank you so much, congresswoman!
