With songs like Eartha Kitt’s Santa Baby, The Jackson 5’s I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, and their thousands of respective covers by other artists throughout the years, it’s become abundantly clear that Santa Claus is more of a sex symbol than Mrs. Claus, and I won’t stand for it any longer.
I’m tired of people sexualizing Santa Claus, mostly because he doesn’t really do it for me, but also because Mrs. Claus has so much potential to be a sexy muse for Christmas songs, and yet absolutely none have been made about her.
I mean, come on! She’s a total MILF!
After examining all the evidence, I can’t help but think that this is a classic example of ageism against women over 40. Mrs. Claus is sweet and generous, she has rosy cheeks and a sickening red and white wardrobe, yet she’s ignored by the public just because she’s a mature woman while her husband gets all the sexual attention instead, even though they’re roughly the same age and only one of them has a heaving bosom!
I’m just calling it what it is: a blatant double standard.
Plus, the fact that she’s not the one who delivers presents to everyone gives her a sense of mystery. She’s even more elusive than Santa Claus, which is so much sexier. People often want what they can’t have, so why is all of our attention on someone we can just go to the mall to pay to see and sit on their lap? That doesn’t sound desirable to me at all.
Mrs. Claus, on the other hand, has standards, and she stays in the North Pole because she’s better than everyone else. Now THAT’S sexy!
Some may argue that it’s good Mrs. Claus isn’t sexualized because it would mean demeaning and objectifying her, which is a valid concern, but since Santa is already sexualized, then I think it’s only fair that she is too. We don’t have to sexualize her any more than Santa Claus, but I do believe this country should be equally horny for her, and I will die on that hill.
So this holiday season, instead of playing a sexy song about Santa, stop and think about the ways you could honor the sex appeal of Mrs. Claus instead. Merry XXXmas!
