We’re Microdosing Our Baby With Baby Botox. Here’s Why

As medicine continues advancing, preventative procedures are more common and accessible for people of all ages. When I posted in my neighborhood’s mommy Facebook group asking for any recommendations on plastic surgeons trustworthy enough to inject my baby with small doses of Botox after she’s born next month, suddenly everyone had an opinion.


Of course, I appreciate advice on motherhood because women are smart, but some of these bitches are crazy! Here’s why what my husband and I are choosing for our baby is both correct and for the best:


I want to prioritize self-care early on.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned more and more about how much the world hates me. For example, when Lisa Hendricks(?) commented on my post stating I must hate women if I’m botoxing my infant(??), as if we’re even friends on Facebook(??!?). Anyway, the act of self-care inherently builds behaviors and attitudes designed to respect and invest in yourself. It breaks my heart thinking about my child waking up on their wedding day and feeling unlovable because of the elasticity of their skin.

This is our culture.

Botox is stigmatized for “freezing faces” when really it just fights against the formation of deep, static wrinkles and boring lips. Traditionally, no one from my family or my husband’s family ever emotes, so Botox actually supports our stoic lifestyle. We want our little one to have the Gargoyle-like appearance of her parents. Ever heard of resemblance? Do not attack me for basic biology.


FOMO is real, and it’s harmful.

This is my child’s future we’re talking about. Nowadays almost anyone with money to spare can get some wrinkle-melting injections. Why should I lock my child out of any opportunities to have a soft face with fuller lips, a raised nasal tip, or slimmer jawline just like anyone else’s ugly brat?


I’ve already looked into potential harms.

Since none of you little Facebook moms did your research (I know you’re reading), let me repeat that baby botox is administered in small-dose injections that aren’t paralyzing. I’ll be the first to tell you that, yes, high dosages in your 20s can thin your face, but it’s likely from losing underlying muscle mass over time. Sure, you can lie and say that I’m fostering addictive behaviors early on in my child’s life, but you know what else people seem to be addicted to? Not minding their own business.



You’re all just anxious and/or jealous.

Coming for me and my family is problematic. I didn’t see you writing a scathing review when Benjamin Button came out about the romanticization of European beauty ideals and reverse aging?? It feels like this was never about baby botox but rather your chance to knock me down for that time I warned everyone about our old nanny because I thought she stole our Peloton.


You people are wrong and my child’s face will not look as wrinkly as your husband’s wardrobe. If my baby’s first words are ‘ject or plump, then I will be proud! And if you got this far in and still can’t accept our family for who we are? Then adieu to taboos and bye to you crumple-faced hags!