I’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life, and unfortunately one of the symptoms for me is anxiety-induced flatulence, or nervous farting. This condition plagued me mentally, physically, and emotionally for years, until I decided that it was time for a change. That’s why a week ago I stopped farting because I was nervous, and started brave-farting instead because that’s just who I am now.
The last time I nervous farted, it was because I was in line for a roller coaster that my friend told me was the scariest one she’s ever been on. I wish I could’ve contained myself, and my farts, but I was too freaked out to keep them all in. But after I got on the roller coaster and proceeded to fart for the entirety of the ride, I realized that it wasn’t even that bad. That day, I made a pledge that I would only be brave in nerve wracking situations, and I’d only fart from being absolutely fearless.
A few days later I had a job interview for an amazing opportunity I’d been waiting on for years, but instead of going to the bathroom beforehand and farting from nerves, I decided to go into the bathroom, pick a stall, and power pose for 15 minutes while farting profusely, and once I got into the conference room and shook the hiring manager’s hand, I fully let it rip to show how confident and capable I was to handle the position.
I’m still waiting to hear back, but I have no doubt in my mind that brave farts won me the job, along with the interviewer’s heart.
Another time this week I tried out my new lifestyle change was when I had a first date with someone I met from Hinge. Normally, I’d have to take frequent trips to the bathroom or fan a menu around when the other person wasn’t looking, but this time, I got to the restaurant early and proudly farted up a storm before my date got there. Even though the wait staff kept giving me dirty looks (one of them gagged!) I felt absolutely no fear, and even though when my date came in they asked “What’s that smell?” I boldly told them that it was my farts, and that I didn’t care what they thought about them, or me, for that matter.
Farting because I’m brave has completely changed my life, and now I’m no longer afraid to rip one courageously. I will no longer be a prisoner of my own nervous farts, because I’m now the leader of my own brave ones. And if anyone wants to fight me on that, they can smell my incredibly macho farts.
