Failure is a fact of life, and I’ve been trying to come to terms with it for years. I thought I was on my way to making peace with the idea, until I finally realized there was another brighter path for me. Here’s why I stopped accepting defeat and started saying, “I’m weewy, weewy sad” in a baby voice until people relent and just give me what I want.
I’m no stranger to defeat. I’m used to people saying no when I ask for things: a raise, a refill, a hug, etc. and I assumed everyone else experienced life the same way I did. Then I met a woman for whom everything seemed to come easily, or rather, I met a baby.
This baby was a master manipulator, able to bend others to her will with ease, all by speaking in that cute little voice. It got me thinking: What if I could do that? What if I wanted to suckle at the teet of life, too? I’m sorry for saying “teet.”
Thus, the great experiment began. I decided to start small: I asked for extra avocado on my burrito and when the kid working behind the counter said they were out, I hit him with a “Nooooooo, why! I’m weewy weewy sad!” Like magic, he scrambled into the back room and called their vegetable supplier for an emergency order. I had tasted blood, and it was sweet. Or rather, it had the flavor profile of an avocado.
With my first successful trial under my belt, I decided to ask my boss for extra vacation days. When he said no, I collapsed in a heap and wept, screaming “But I weewy weewy need it!!” and banging my fists on the floor. He gave me all the vacation days I wanted by terminating my employment permanently. Now that’s what I call a resounding success.
My friends tried to get me to stop doing the voice thing, but I hit them with a classic, “Whyyyy? I weewy wike ittt,” and now they’ve told me that they left the state! One point: voice. Zero points: those who are trying to hold me back.
They say it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission but turns out its even better to ask neither and just say “awwww I’m weewy sad!” when someone denies you something you want. There’s nothing quite like feeling everyone around you get so uncomfortable that they’re willing to give you whatever you want just so you shut up.
So the next time you find yourself accepting defeat against your will, know that there is recourse. Know that the baby voice waits for you, too. But don’t try it around me: That shit is annoying.
