All relationships change us, but some change us into someone we don’t want to be. That’s why I had to end my relationship with my boyfriend Conner Evans of Brooklyn, NY, who was my boyfriend from March 2013 right up until just now when he read this very sentence.
Conner, I’m sorry I’m breaking up with you via an editorial. I wish you didn’t have to find out like this, but unfortunately, it’s the only way. Here’s why.
When Conner and I started dating, it was the perfect relationship. I loved spending every minute with him. But the thing about relationships with Conner is that they’re not always easy, especially when your partner, Conner, isn’t supportive of your goals of being a writer of highly personal op-eds. Over time, he began to weigh on me like a backpack, and stopped being supportive of my goals. Conner, what I’m trying to say is sometimes, you weigh on me like a backpack. At a certain point I knew I would have to end things via this op-ed.
When you get to the point of breaking up, it’s hard, but the quickest and surest route is to rip it off like a Band-Aid and send it straight to your editor. What can I say? Sometimes you want your major life changes to have a byline.
As I grow older, I realize there’s no right way to go about a breakup—you have to do what’s right for you. And breaking up with Conner by writing an op-ed piece about how I’m breaking up with Conner is what’s right for me. Conner, I’ve also grown to realize that we’re fundamentally wrong for each other. Please don’t call me. I don’t want to see you. Also your penis is too big and I’m tired of pretending like it’s not. Sorry.
Is breaking up with Conner like this humiliating? Sure. But is it any less humiliating than having your aunt ask you why you’re in a long-term relationship with someone you don’t love? Sorry, Conner. I also never loved you. I know I said it to you. I just didn’t feel it for you. I guess I just couldn’t love someone of your maturity level, who kept talking about Star Wars even though I’ve never seen any of the movies. Also my great aunt understands me better than you do. How sad is that?
Maybe you’re wondering why I couldn’t call or email Conner to relay this message. Sure, you can go the texting route in a breakup, but isn’t that a copout? It just seems so impersonal and non-confrontational. Honestly, a published piece on the internet is much more personal and considerate. It takes a lot more thought and effort. You’ll thank me for this, Conner. You’re immortalized on the internet now. It’s better than reading a cryptic Facebook post about being tired of men who act “as fickle as the wind” that no media outlet would ever consider fit to publish. You change your mind constantly, Conner, and I can’t bear it anymore. Also my editor was on me for more ultra-personal female-centric self-sacrificing emotionally unsafe first-person content and the deadline was today.
Is it good that we live in an era where people can see the intimate details of their relationship splashed through an op-ed like the way Conner is right now? Definitely food for thought. This is deeply vulnerable, but I guess we just live in that age now.
Breaking up with someone is painful. But you do it anyways. And by embracing that pain, you find the person you were truly meant to be—yourself. I stand by my decision, and know that I’m a stronger person because of it. And one day, you will be too, Conner.
