You have to pee, so you stand up from your desk at work and go to the bathroom. You look down at your underwear and realize: It’s covered in blood! Then you realize it’s not just your underwear that’s covered in blood — it’s everything! Everything you own is covered in blood! Follow these tips to figure out which hole all that blood is coming from:
Eye
Let’s start at the top. Were you recently crying what you thought was just regular tears but now it looks like your eyes are dripping blood? If so, then all this blood is probably coming from your eyeholes. Now go see a doctor!
Nose
This one’s easy to figure out. Just blow your nose. Is the substance that comes out red instead of clear or yellow? That could be blood. A good health rule of thumb is: If it looks like blood, assume it is blood. You should alert a physician!
Ear
Put in an earbud. Listen to your favorite Beyoncé song. Then, pull out the earbud. Is it covered in blood? If this hole’s the bloody one, you should call 911!
Mouth
Find a person you trust. Open your mouth and ask them, “Is there a lotta, lotta blood dripping from my mouth?” If they say yes, ask them, “Would you please take me to the hospital?”
Belly Button
If you recently got this body part pierced, then there’s a simple explanation for why your belly button is bleeding. If you didn’t, but when you lie on your back you can see blood pool in this hole and it’s spilling over, then start screaming for help!
Armpit
Now, some may not consider this a hole, but due to its curved shape, it totally is. When you last shaved, do you remember cutting yourself badly but then forgot about all the blood when you got out of the shower? If so, do a Google search for the nearest health clinic!
Urethra
Did a stream of blood come out when you tried to pee? If yes, then the bleeding hole is your peehole. You are not well! Text a photo of the blood to a surgeon or doctor!
Butt
Poop into a cup. Then, pour the cup into another cup. Then, pour it back into the first cup. Are the cups filled with feces and blood? That blood’s likely coming out of your behind hole. You should FaceTime your gastroenterologist!
Vagina
Do you have your period? All that blood’s probably coming out of this hole, then. Put in a tampon and move on. You are okay!
Bullet-Shaped Hole in Abdomen
Were you shot? You were? That’s definitely where the blood is coming from! Tell someone!
If you’re still unsure of where the blood’s coming from, don’t deny these other possibilities: more than one hole is bleeding, you’re covered in someone else’s blood, or a group of teens dumped blood on you at prom like in the movie Carrie.
