Secrets to Tell Your Baby Before She’ll Remember

You love your baby. She’s the physical embodiment of love and she has the world’s tiniest hands! What she doesn’t have yet is a working memory. If you’re smart, you’ll take this time when she can’t even hold her head up to divulge all the secrets she can neither share nor absorb. Here are the secrets to tell your baby before she’ll remember:


You just ate a whole bag of goldfish.

They were supposed to be for her older brother’s lunch but you got carried away while watching Kelly Ripa. The bag says it’s seven regular servings, but it’s probably just one mom-serving, right? Take your baby’s silence as a yes.


You’re still on your parent’s cell phone plan.

Now that you have your own family, you should probably also get your own family plan. But your husband thinks you’ve been paying your own bill for years, and you don’t want to shatter his delusions of your independence. Maybe when the next kid comes along, you’ll come clean. For now, unlimited data! See? Your baby isn’t judging you because she can’t!


Aunt Rebecca’s baby shower gift was tacky as hell.

Your sister gave you a shitty ironic onesie and there is no way your baby is never going to wear that thing. Because she doesn’t have a choice!


You’ve worn the same pair of socks for four days straight.

Seriously, where did your socks go? Even if they smell, your baby can’t say anything about it. She doesn’t even understand the concept of socks yet! Enjoy!



You definitely didn’t do your taxes correctly.

Turbotax asked way too many questions you didn’t know the answers to and you’ve been getting paid under the table for years. What is the point of being a freelancer if things aren’t free? Don’t worry; if you get audited, your baby definitely won’t be a nark. She doesn’t even know how!


Aunt Rebecca is getting a divorce.

It’s no surprise your sister couldn’t make marriage work if she couldn’t even pick out a decent onesie for your baby shower. You heard it was because of an affair, but you’re not going say anything. And neither will your baby.


Where babies come from?

Might as well tell her all the awkward things you don’t want to tell her when she can understand you. Make sure to avoid hand motions, though. According to all those parenting magazines you skimmed, infants are very intuitive when it comes to sign language.


Where she came from??

So what if you’re not entirely sure who the father is? Get your concern out now and worry about it later when she starts to look suspiciously like her Aunt Rebecca’s ex-husband.


Now that your newborn baby can serve as a defenseless sounding board for all the secrets you were planning on taking to the grave, you can charge toward parenthood with a clear conscience and a chest that’s only weighed down by all that milk you’ve been forgetting to pump!