Congrats, graduate! You’ve already written thank-you notes to Mom, Dad, Aunt Lisa, Old Aunt Lisa, Titi & NomNom, Mrs. Sussman, and your dad’s business partner so quickly! Like everyone else with a newly acquired university degree, you already blew most of your graduation money buying lots of cocaine. You’re flying higher than your graduation cap, but you know it won’t last forever – before the comedown hits, here’s how to use your remaining money to make the most of the rest of this coke!
Go to an Amusement Park!
Get your heart valves vibrating like a Himalayan singing drum for two-and-a-half minutes that will feel like a decade! The rush you get from a four-story roller coaster drop will simulate the high you’re getting from that sweet, sweet blow (including the nausea and periodic fear that this could all go horribly wrong and kill you).
Watch Cosmos and Just Talk All the Way Through It
No problem! Just log onto iTunes and rent the classic, metaphysical mindfuck: Carl Sagan’s Cosmos. Invite over your dumbest friend for a viewing party! Your synapses will sizzle and your mind will be blown continuously throughout the series that you will ramble all the way through. You will feel like the smartest person on the face of the planet as you translate each existential theory into a full first-grade explanation for your druggy friends. You’re a college grad, Goddamnit!
Ride it out with Stackers!
Just head over to the nearest shady convenience store and clean them out of Stacker 3’s! Even though the stupid FDA made them take out all that good, heart-pounding Ephedra, a small handful of Stackers every few hours will ensure that a) You’ll never eat again, and b) You’ll achieve that pale, gaunt look every girl wants, but only coke-addicted celebrities and over-privileged prep-schoolers typically achieve! If you take three to six stackers before going clubbing, you will have no problem dancing all night and into tomorrow, and your heartbeat will line up perfectly with Avicii’s “Wake Me Up”!
DON’T Buy More Coke
Yes, I know we’re all thinking it. When you’re out of blow and only have a third of your graduation cash left, DO NOT SPEND IT ON MORE BLOW! You’ll be left grinding your teeth, craving more, and contemplating which organ would sell the fastest on the black market. Instead, if the first few suggestions don’t do it for you, just go out and score yourself a big bag of Sour Patch Kids. While you won’t be manually re-labeling every illegally downloaded song in your iTunes library, you’ll still have a sweet escape for a fraction of the cost and only a mild headache tomorrow!
The key to being an adult is learning to plan ahead – so start being an adult with a responsible coke binge!