Listen: Beyoncé is never gonna die, but she might.
If she does, and that’s a big “if,” it will only be because God is finally ready to be replaced and has summoned his chosen heir. But what about us?! What will we do down here on this Beyless earth? Are you prepared to continue on your journey without Queen Bey blazing a path of fierceness for you? No one is. Here are the five stages of losing Beyoncé you’re gonna need to get through—JUST HYPOTHETICALLY.
DENIAL
The safest emotional response is immediate and strong denial. As a society, we need to agree not to even talk about it. No news sources will cover it. No one can know. TMZ will need to be burned to the ground, just in case they can’t keep it together. That will be your clue that the worst has happened. Then you can just know. But when the emotions are too strong to hold back, turn to Tumblr. Tumblr has all the answers, gifs, and photosets you’ll need.
ANGER
Don’t bother crying. Only Bey can look fierce with tears streaming down her face. The best we can do is just name every future child of the world Beyoncé, honor-kill Taylor Swift, and go take a stress nap.
DENIAL
After a few rounds of scream-singing, “Who run the world? BEYONCÉ!” on repeat, continue denying it even harder than before. Important: Actively avoid any pictures of Jay-Z or even Solange (if there even are any left after the ritual burning), since it’ll be too unbearable to imagine either of them going on without her. Just plug your ears and hum “Halo” until the pictures go away.
ANGER AGAIN
Work hard to keep the anger going so you don’t fall into a different grief stage and lose yourself in a Beyoncé-less abyss. Don’t even think about crying because once you start, you’ll never stop, and your eyes can’t shut over that many tears. Let the anger manifest itself in vicious leotard-dancing and do the best you can to not to harm those near you. Proceed quickly to the final step.
DENIAL AGAIN
Remain in denial. Permanent denial is key.
…Sorry, I just can’t even talk about this anymore. Queen Bey is never gonna die. You hear that, God?
